da-christen, painter of all things delusional

5 Mar

I had a babysitter growing up that was convinced she was Michelangelo in a past life.  Not the ninja turtle mind you, but his namesake.  She was old enough to be my grandmother.  When one is nine-grandmothers are a source of all things factual, so naturally I believed her.

With some encouragement on her part and the use of a ouija board, I quickly decided that I too-had been someone famous (determined through the scientific method of me asking the board-and her pushing the plastic piece to yes).  Of course, I didn’t really understand the process of determining ones prior famous self-so I figured it would be best to do some investigating before settling into an identity.  I just knew I desperately wanted to have been someone as cool as Michelangelo.

I had limited resources on exploring historical figures, so I was left to research through my father’s considerable collection of history books.  All lined neatly in our living room bookcase, I spent hours picking out the best one.  I was convinced that my former identity would drop clues for me, so that I could figure out this great mystery.

So with great concentration, I closed my eyes, ran my finger along the spines of books, counted to thirty-three, and stopped as the last whisper of the number left my freckled face.

And that, ladies and gentlemen is how I convinced myself from ages nine to eleven that in my past life-I was Leonardo DaVinci.

Ok, so I definitely knew where that book was, and I definitely wanted to be a ninja turtle like my babysitter-but I also collected evidence to support the cause:

1. He invented things.  Just earlier that year I had ‘invented’ a real-faucet in my fort by pouring a pitcher of water into one end of an old pipe, so that it came out the other (genius, I know).

2.  He painted (obviously).  I painted, and drew  A LOT.  All the time, and I knew I wanted to be a cartoonist-and I read in my dad’s books that the painters made CARTOONS before they painted.  Bang-on.

3.  He was Italian.  Lasagna was my all-time favorite food (ok, maybe inspired by Garfield, but I still loved it!).

Three being my favorite number, I knew I didn’t need any more proof than the aforementioned points.

The dream was eventually crushed when I whispered this to a boy I had a crush on.  We were sitting on the playground swings, I leaned over to tell him my secret, and he pushed me away, ran to his friends and told everyone I thought I was a ninja turtle.

Ultimately traumatic in the arena of playground etiquette.

Considering that boy impregnated a girl at 16, I’d say the reptilian repellant worked to my favor.

Advertisements

6 Responses to “da-christen, painter of all things delusional”

  1. Jessie May March 5, 2010 at 4:02 pm #

    Ryan,
    You are hilarious, captivating and excellent writer! Thanks so much for drawing me into your childhood experience, causing me to remember aspects of my own childhood that have long been forgotten. I love this post!

  2. Holly Renee March 5, 2010 at 6:27 pm #

    Being a ninja turtle, or famous painter, in a past lifetime would be awesome. You were probably both.

  3. Gnetch March 5, 2010 at 8:54 pm #

    Hahaha! Adorable post! I’m just trying to remember who I thought I was in my past life. I think I was a royal assassin. Or something. ;D

  4. KFun March 6, 2010 at 2:55 pm #

    Hahaha! Love this post!! 🙂

    I left something for you over at my blog…. 🙂 Check it out – http://kristinfunston.com/blog/awards/

  5. Barbara March 6, 2010 at 4:05 pm #

    Thanks for giving me a good laugh.

  6. Night Writer March 7, 2010 at 12:51 am #

    sheesh… i’m convinced the Y chromosome has a gene for “meanness.”

    i invented stuff when i was little too. i created this contraption that allowed someone to “push” me on the swing by pulling a rope. i’m not sure why i felt that was necessary when some could just… push me.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s