thank you, Spielberg

30 Mar

When I was seventeen I worked in a movie theatre.

It was the summer that Saving Private Ryan was released.

I wore a nametag.

You do the math.

Obese gentlemen of all ages found it hilarious to inform me as I heaped piles of popcorn into massive buckets (with butter smeared in the middle as well as the top), that the feature they truly wished to see was Ryan’s Privates.

Some of them even offered to save said privates, which of course was especially tempting when uttered from the greasy lips of men known to inhale cheese-dogs and nachos faster than oxygen.

It was after one such man was zipping up his fanny-pack and preparing to balance his buckets of popcorn, pretzels, candy and gallon-sized soda that a sixteen-year old boy made me forever wary of certain peanut-butter and chocolate treats.

He had overheard the sweat-pant donning walrus casually request a view of my genitalia, and took it upon himself to redeem all of mankind.  So, cautiously approaching the counter I manned, he smiled, shook his head and said:

‘Betcha get that one a lot huh?  Sorry. That sucks.’

Standing there covered in popcorn grease burns, wearing a man’s button down shirt, and sweating from the heat of various hot-dog, nacho, and pretzel ovens-I instantly deemed him a poet. Compared to the rest of the sludge that rolled up to the counter-here was my adorable, grungy, dimpled, teenage hero.

I blushed, laughed, and smiled at him in gratitude for recognizing the horrors of working a concession stand.  He returned the smile, stared at the ground for a moment, and glanced up at me determined to continue the flirtation.  Which, given my mood-very well could have led to an overly dramatic teenage romance.   Delicious make-out sessions in the backseat of cars, hand-written notes, and romantic proclamations of love were all unfolding in our collective future.

But sadly, love is fleeting.

The next words out of Romeo’s mouth were:

“I’ll take a coke and a pack of Reeses Penis please”

Needless to say, he didn’t make it to the select screening of Saving Ryan’s Privates.


24 Responses to “thank you, Spielberg”

  1. Just B. March 30, 2010 at 12:16 pm #

    Oh. My. God.

  2. Anthony Licari March 30, 2010 at 12:18 pm #

    Where’s your game at man? You had the balls to stand up for the girl, she’s yours.

  3. Man-shopper March 30, 2010 at 12:21 pm #

    You sure that it wasn’t a Freudian slip? In college, instead of asking my handsome T.A. “Where are we having section next week,” what came out was “Where are we having sex next week?”

    In any case, let’s just blame that damn name tag. And I must say that I’m not going to look at Reese’s Pieces the same way again…

  4. Izmak March 30, 2010 at 12:27 pm #

    Hilarious. 🙂

    Love reading the blog Ryan, keep it up!

  5. wanderingmenace March 30, 2010 at 1:30 pm #

    Right. Sorry bout that. As always, I am super slick. 🙂

  6. Hema P. March 30, 2010 at 3:16 pm #

    Never knew popcorn and nachos had this kind of grease associated with them, too. No wonder they always make me gag!

  7. Holly Renee March 30, 2010 at 3:42 pm #

    Wow. That’s unfortunate but funny. I’m a little appalled that the old men thought that was appropriate at all. Perhaps the nacho cheese had messed with their heads.

  8. Gnetch March 30, 2010 at 3:53 pm #

    Oh my. Haha! That was quite unexpected. But it must have been a Freudian slip. But then again, you can’t recognize assholes just by looking at them.

  9. wanderingmenace March 30, 2010 at 4:01 pm #

    Hema: No kidding, talk about disgusting.

    Holly: Yes, one would think that it would have occurred to them at some point they were being inappropriate, but no dice.

    Gnetch: I’m sure it was a Freudian slip, I don’t think he was an ass at all, but the slip definitely put me off.

  10. Jimmy March 30, 2010 at 4:12 pm #

    I worked in a movie theatre once.

    It was horrible. I remember they had a policy of calling customers, guests which was lame.

    Thankfully I missed Roald Dahl’s James And the Giant Peach.

    You should have used sarcastic comments on these old man perverts: “Wow that is such a good joke Mister. I mean knowing that your: “fat obese future heart disease self” wants to see me my underage privates, makes me tingle inside sooooo much, here’s your popcorn, asshole.” Or something like that I don’t know.

  11. julieparisienne March 30, 2010 at 4:19 pm #

    welcome back!

    • wanderingmenace March 30, 2010 at 4:22 pm #

      Thanks Julie!!!
      How go adventures with vincent perez?…

  12. wanderingmenace March 30, 2010 at 4:21 pm #

    My usual response was that only A-list celebrities would be invited. Sometimes I just rolled my eyes. Sometimes I just looked and them and said:
    ‘really sir, really?’

    If you worked at a movie theatre though, you definitely know the horrors of how people can behave.

    • Jimmy March 30, 2010 at 7:07 pm #

      Yeah working at that job sucked. I didn’t pass my 3 months. I believe they got annoyed at the fact I didn’t sign in properly.

      Only job I’ve ever been fired from.

      I’m definitely digging your prose, keep it up mate!

  13. Martin March 30, 2010 at 7:13 pm #

    Hahahahah! That kid…he’s probably writing a blog right now about how he screwed up his one chance at love back when he was 16.

    “She was an angel, dressed in a stained apron, and I screwed it UP!”

  14. S.I.F. March 31, 2010 at 6:28 am #

    Oh man – I sometimes find myself missing the sheer tact of teenage boys. And then I remember that they seriously never break up!

    And for the record: Ryan is one of my all time favorite girls names. Seriously!

    I did have a roommate once whose name was Ryanne though, and I thought that was a nice variation too. We all just called her Ry anyway though!

  15. Juliana March 31, 2010 at 4:07 pm #

    hahaaa!! i also worked at the theatre, but i was there with my best friend so we had more fun than we were supposed to. as if the uniform and perpetual grease weren’t enough, they had to throw sexual harassment into the mix too…

  16. Elle March 31, 2010 at 11:23 pm #

    LOL – Ah boys. They never do grow up, do they? Though that was pretty clever.

  17. Mr. Apron May 14, 2010 at 12:07 pm #

    Thant’s one of the funniest fucking things I’ve ever heard in my life.

    Nice to know, isn’t it, that, even after just turning thirty, I’m still just a little teenage shithead at heart.

  18. Bob November 24, 2010 at 4:02 pm #

    Too funny Massive Fail!!

    But you gotta give the kid credit for making you smile at least!

    • wanderingmenace November 24, 2010 at 4:10 pm #

      For. Sure.
      That was one of the worst jobs I’ve ever had the misfortune of holding.
      Right up until the slip, he was really rocking my little corner of the concession stand.

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