Near death experience in a Parisian airport

13 May

A peanut-butter m&m tried to kill me in the Charles de Gualle airport.

I refer to it as one of my near-death experiences, though the only human witness to the event claims I am ridiculously over-dramatic.  Easy for him to say, the m&m never clawed its white gloved-hands into his esophagus while performing variations of River Dance with its tiny bright shoes.

But before I get ahead of myself-allow me to set the stage for you.

Picture this guy.

Picture me.

I think we can agree-someone was gonna go down.

As I sat innocently waiting to board my flight to the Dominican Republic, then-fiance at my side, I decided to enjoy a few m&m’s, not realizing of course-that the yellow assassin huddled eagerly in the package.  Plotting his demise of my throat he patiently planned his attack as I eagerly thrust my hand into the bag, and attempted to chat with my companion.

For his part, Luka was reading a newspaper and clearly wanted me to leave him alone after I had insisted on twirling the wheels of our check-in luggage whilst he explained his visa status to the Air France woman.  They had rapidly debated in French and I had taken the opportunity to sing the theme song of a French cartoon from the seventies about a love-able seal while spinning the wheels on the upturned suitcase.

Not loudly-mind you, more like humming to pass the time while the visa situation was under control.

So, for his part, the companion was eager to read the newspaper and ignore the antics of one very excited-about-vacation-menace.

I munched away on a few sleeper candies while he read the sports page.  I asked him a few questions, receiving mumbles and deep sighs in return.

His evident desire for peace and quiet resolved in my determination to entertain myself and eat my candy.  Silently.

But it was not to be.

For just at that moment, the stealth-choco-covered-peanut and my fingers were to meet for the first time.  I gotta give it to the little devil, he remained motionless and peaceful when I grabbed him (I suppose it’s part of his melt-in-your-mouth-not-in-your-hand contract), but then cleverly launched himself past my mouth, directly into my throat, and began performing the aforementioned jig.

Quickly losing oxygen, I attempted to get Luka’s attention.  At first with a tap on the shoulder, followed by a punch to the knee.

When neither of these tactics were successful, I thrashed around on the floor as if being attacked by Jaws.  Fearful that my soul might too eagerly jump into the light that was sure to appear at any moment, I frantically mimed out that an m&m was kicking his poofy white Reeboks up and down the interior of my throat-sure to bring death swiftly.

My hands went from the bag, to my legs as I tried to jig-to my throat.  Eyes bulging out of my head, cheeks turning bright red I chose interpretive dance to communicate my distress.  Hoping against all odds that Luka would understand, which thankfully-he did.

He softly patted my back, listened to me cough for a moment-made sure I was actually breathing, handed me a bottle of water, and said:

‘you ok?’.

Right.  As if anyone who has just won an epic battle against a candy-coated monster can be simply, ‘ok’.

The next ten minutes before boarding passed along in silence as I pictured my conquered nemesis slowly dying in my belly-surely devastated at his own failure to take down his Zilla target.

I haven’t encountered any undercover agents in my candy-bags since then, but I’m sure there’s at least one more.  Next time, I’ll be ready.


10 Responses to “Near death experience in a Parisian airport”

  1. Jimmy May 13, 2010 at 12:27 pm #

    Oh River Dance! Yikes about peanut butter nut m&m trying to kill you.

    I always go for reese’s pieces over m&m’s. I always look over my shoulder so that asshole E.T. doesn’t try and steal them.

    I believe in my WWII history 200 class, I learned about how Charles De Gualle never made one speech about condemning the Holocaust after the war which is a douche move on his part, I assume it is not popular to call him a douche in France.

    Fact: I think traveling to the D.R. is awkward due to the whole Haiti on the same island. It’s on my places to avoid.

    • wanderingmenace May 13, 2010 at 3:58 pm #


      I dunno about the fear of the D.R. I’ve been twice and had an excellent time. Granted, there were no earthquakes at that time-but no sense living in fear of what you can’t control.

      As for E.T.-you are wise to look back. God I miss Reese’s pieces. Delicious.

  2. Gnetch May 13, 2010 at 2:43 pm #

    I *knew* those little candies are evil! I just knew it!
    I mean, look at his evil grin! He’s totally up to something.

    Though I think, with that badass picture of yours, he never stood a chance in the first place.


    • wanderingmenace May 13, 2010 at 3:59 pm #

      I appreciate your support Gnetch, feel better knowing you’ve got faith.

  3. TheBigShowAtUD May 13, 2010 at 7:25 pm #

    that’s why i avoid peanut M&Ms. the peanut is like a timebomb that’ll kill you in public. i’m glad you’re alive.

  4. ziazitella May 14, 2010 at 10:07 pm #

    I love your story-telling. I have great images of your interpretive dance going on in my head. Let me just say, ballet is not your calling.

  5. Man-shopper May 16, 2010 at 9:29 am #

    Hmmm… M&M guy looks pretty tough. A worthy opponent. Let’s just hope that his brothers-at-arms aren’t plotting their revenge somewhere.

  6. subWOW May 28, 2010 at 3:26 pm #

    Now. Don’t choke on stuff when I say this: even in that picture where you are supposed to look like your are dying, you look adorable.

  7. Nic Lake May 31, 2010 at 4:30 pm #

    I highly suggest the following:

    1) Blowtorch (nothing like melted chocolate)
    2) Hammer (nothing like smushed peanuts)
    3) Chewing (self-explanatory)

    Any and all options will successfully take down any further sleeper agents that you may come across.


  8. Bob November 21, 2010 at 1:37 am #

    Hmmmm after reading this story of M&M related horror I am not sure that you would be able to safely tackle the tube steak monsters that inhabit Winnipeg.

    Pretty scary read nasty that a candy tried to assassinate you. Hmmm perhaps it was a plot by the French Government to keep you all to themselves??

    Laughing with every read!!

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