A giant, too many vaginas, and an Iphone

18 May

A giant initiated conversation with me in a bar a few months ago by inquiring as to whether or not I had ever done any nude modeling.

For the record, when I say giant, I mean this creature:

I was somewhere between sizing him up and answering his question, when he busted out his Iphone, scrolled through a group of black and white photos and said:

“seriously, I ask because I am an artist”

Usually when a man in a bar approaches me claiming to be an artist I brace myself for a long-winded monologue laced with philosophy references.  This time however, I was too preoccupied with sizing up his monstrous features to prepare for the inevitable speech and nearly choked on my wine when he proclaimed:

“It’s all about vagina placement.  See, I mean the placement of the vagina in the shot-do you understand what I’m saying?”

At this point I responded with the first thought that popped into my head:

“I mean, I know where mine is, but that’s pretty much as far as my interest in such things takes me”

Which of course, was my downfall.  Evidently, this was the oversized man’s cue to scroll through nude picture after nude picture, and explain to me in detail why the various vaginas were placed in each location within the frame.

At one point he began discussing the importance of labia shape.

This, ladies and gentlemen, is what happens to me when I attend a function designed to unite english speaking ex-pats.

Individuals seek me out and unroll their portfolios to discuss vagina placement, labia size, and the various problems that may or may not occur when shooting such subjects in a desert.

Last I checked, I do not own a t-shirt reading: ‘talk to me about genitalia!!’

Yet somehow, for whatever reason: my face inspires aforementioned artistic discussion.

Next time I’m staying in, ordering take-out, and watching a National Geographic Special.  At least that way, if labia enters the frame, I won’t have to listen to an oversized idiot mutter to me through excessive mouth-breathing and sweaty gasps why vagina placement is important.


28 Responses to “A giant, too many vaginas, and an Iphone”

  1. suki May 18, 2010 at 8:58 pm #

    OMG, who does this!?!? That’s terrible. :/ It is NOT appropriate bar conversation.

    • wanderingmenace May 19, 2010 at 7:14 am #

      I’m gonna go ahead and state that it is also not appropriate dinner conversation

  2. Gnetch May 18, 2010 at 9:05 pm #

    This is why I think it’s always a good idea to bring a saw everytime one walks out of the house. LOL

    Oh, those douchebags.

  3. Jimmy May 18, 2010 at 9:07 pm #

    Wow that guy is a creeper.

    Talk about awkward 101.

    • wanderingmenace May 19, 2010 at 7:16 am #

      It was about as awkward as it gets, thats for damn sure

  4. Man-shopper May 18, 2010 at 9:47 pm #

    I remember when you first mentioned this creep to me. I remember being creeped out then. But somehow, this retelling actually made my skin crawl — no, SPRINT — off my body.

    You really are a freak-magnet. Like that time we walked into Lizard Lounge, and the guy at the door said something wildly inappropriate to you. And ONLY you.

    Ah, but how else could you have so much writing material?

    • wanderingmenace May 19, 2010 at 7:17 am #

      I forgot about that guy. I believe he announced he’d been waiting for me to be his birthday present.

      • Man-shopper May 19, 2010 at 9:47 am #

        Oh god, THAT’S what he said? More ick-worthy than I remember…

        On that note, we should go to Comic-Con together. And by that, I mean that when we go to Comic-Con, you should dress up as Princess Leia, I should dress up as Chewie, and I will film everything that happens to you.

  5. Just B. May 18, 2010 at 10:54 pm #

    Can’t breath. Dying laughing. Due to his mouth breathing this is probably the only way he can get anywhere near a naked woman. Just saying.

    And, you’re right, things like this do happen to me. All. The. Time.

    • wanderingmenace May 19, 2010 at 7:18 am #

      I couldn’t get over how weird it was that all the pics were taken in the desert. I just kept thinking about all that sand…

  6. Claude May 18, 2010 at 11:06 pm #

    Ryan, i’m certain you have heard worse a certain Parisian watering hole; Generally protestations of pseudointelectual-twaddle-speak and double-talk with the odd overzealous interjection of commodious words for the sake of self-embellishment. See what I did there? What an amusing life you are having these days. Keep up the good work.

    • wanderingmenace May 19, 2010 at 7:19 am #

      Yes Claude yes, I have definitely heard worse. I forgot how exhausting your sentences can be sometimes, dear God.

  7. Allison May 19, 2010 at 2:35 am #

    That’s quite the icebreaker.

  8. tootsmcgee May 19, 2010 at 6:43 am #

    Hahahahaha. Bloody brilliant!!
    That guy is such a creeper peeper
    What an odd thing to say. I can just picture his fat, heavy breath, beading sweat down his forhead being all wierd.

  9. Lauren Welsh May 19, 2010 at 9:55 pm #

    “I mean, I know where mine is, but that’s pretty much as far as my interest in such things takes me”

    I just died.

    Im so glad you found my blog so I could find yours. You are hilarious

  10. Lostplum May 21, 2010 at 7:04 pm #

    oh goodness me!

  11. Mishieru May 22, 2010 at 3:33 am #

    OMG! That was pretty scary. If i were in your position i wouldn’t what to do. That National Geographic thing is a good plan i think, hahaha!

  12. Holly Renee May 24, 2010 at 8:57 am #

    I don’t think I would be able to handle that. Seriously, I would have either started busting out laughing or gave him the look of death. That’s way too much vagina talk for me!

  13. subWOW May 28, 2010 at 3:27 pm #

    Unbelievable. Stranger than fiction. Reality never ceases to amaze me. So… did you get his business card?! LOL. I wonder whether he works for CIA…

  14. Nic Lake May 31, 2010 at 4:33 pm #

    At least you didn’t get the “I would like to see if your vagina is in the proper place” comment. Though I guess you blocked that with your own comment.

    Gotta love technology, right? “Here, miss, look at my portable collection of misplaced genitalia, all conveniently located on my phone. Yes, I have each entry labeled with a picture of their crotch, so I know exactly who’s calling me.”

  15. ziazitella June 1, 2010 at 1:03 am #

    You had me intrigued with the title and rolling with, “I mean, I know where mine is, but that’s pretty much as far as my interest in such things takes me.”
    I probably would have asked him how he got into that line of work. And followed that up with, “If I decide to go through with this fascinating to career move, how would I word ‘vagina modeling’ on my resume?”

  16. Lena June 2, 2010 at 4:09 pm #

    Aaaaaaaaaw, this is wonderful. Hooray to people whose linguistic curiosity equals their well, mommy-taught good manners. 🙂

  17. Bob November 20, 2010 at 5:16 am #

    Said it once now I am going to say it again… EWWWWWW

  18. TheIdiotSpeaketh December 2, 2010 at 10:07 pm #

    (Writing down notes in notebook….”talk about labia shape and vagina placement…..) Thanks! Always helpful to have notes for modern pick-up lines if I ever become single again… 🙂

    • wanderingmenace December 2, 2010 at 10:59 pm #

      Happy to help again Idiot, happy to help again. I definitely suggest to incorporate the heavy breathing. It really did wonders for my particular giant. 🙂


  1. logbuch:caasn:de » belesenes » eselsohren der vergangenen woche - November 27, 2010

    […] A giant, too many vaginas, and an Iphone « Wandering Menace – […]

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