A giant initiated conversation with me in a bar a few months ago by inquiring as to whether or not I had ever done any nude modeling.
For the record, when I say giant, I mean this creature:
I was somewhere between sizing him up and answering his question, when he busted out his Iphone, scrolled through a group of black and white photos and said:
“seriously, I ask because I am an artist”
Usually when a man in a bar approaches me claiming to be an artist I brace myself for a long-winded monologue laced with philosophy references. This time however, I was too preoccupied with sizing up his monstrous features to prepare for the inevitable speech and nearly choked on my wine when he proclaimed:
“It’s all about vagina placement. See, I mean the placement of the vagina in the shot-do you understand what I’m saying?”
At this point I responded with the first thought that popped into my head:
“I mean, I know where mine is, but that’s pretty much as far as my interest in such things takes me”
Which of course, was my downfall. Evidently, this was the oversized man’s cue to scroll through nude picture after nude picture, and explain to me in detail why the various vaginas were placed in each location within the frame.
At one point he began discussing the importance of labia shape.
This, ladies and gentlemen, is what happens to me when I attend a function designed to unite english speaking ex-pats.
Individuals seek me out and unroll their portfolios to discuss vagina placement, labia size, and the various problems that may or may not occur when shooting such subjects in a desert.
Last I checked, I do not own a t-shirt reading: ‘talk to me about genitalia!!’
Yet somehow, for whatever reason: my face inspires aforementioned artistic discussion.
Next time I’m staying in, ordering take-out, and watching a National Geographic Special. At least that way, if labia enters the frame, I won’t have to listen to an oversized idiot mutter to me through excessive mouth-breathing and sweaty gasps why vagina placement is important.