Taming the lioness

19 Nov

He looked like Johnny Depp.

He was writing in the corner of the coffee shop.

I was 22, I was single, and he was smoldering.

It was a recipe for disaster.

Donning his white t-shirt, faded jeans, and leather jacket, the perfectly messy bed-head and unshaven chiseled jawline were far too overpowering for my bad-boy prone nature.

When he sauntered over and gave me the napkin with his handwritten poem, smiled, and asked me to dinner, I stammered a yes while gazing doe-eyed at him.

silly doe, you have no idea what you're doing...


For the record this was not the first nor last time my idealism would get me into trouble.  But that is neither here nor there.

Three days later I met him at a restaurant.

Donning stilettos, dark jeans, a sexy top and my own leather jacket I met up with Casanova at a bar.

It took him approximately two minutes before it began.

At first I didn’t think I had heard him correctly, so like an idiot I leaned in across the table.  Pressing his lips next to my ear, the guy I had gazed so longingly at whispered this into my ear:

“What’s it like knowing you have the attention of every man in this room?  What’s it feel like to be a woman with that much power?”

Leaning back and glancing around, I double-checked my outfit.  No one appeared to be noticing me.  The restaurant was near campus, so the place was crowded with hot girls, I was hardly a rare commodity.  Keeping a safe distance from his cigarette whispers, I responded:

“No one here is looking but you (clears throat, blushes a bit-silly young Ryan).  So should we order some wine or-‘

I got that far before he unleashed an intense monologue.  Shakespeare could not have written a longer pile of metaphorical nonsense.  During this speech, I slowly lowered myself in my chair-willing the table to come to life and eat me in one solid, painless bite.

The opening line was barked with such intensity I did a double take at my formerly sexy tablemate:

“Ryan, you are like a lionness”

Clearing my throat, I tilted my head to one said and began to ask a question but was instantly interrupted again-

“Every man in this room.  Every one of them, including me, is your prey.  You move, we watch.  Wanting to be devoured.”

Let’s take a moment to note his voice was loud.  Seriously loud.  Loud enough that now people were starting to stare.

I’m pretty sure most of my fellow diners just wanted their chicken wings to arrive, but his volume made them turn their heads-which convinced him of his initial interpretation-that they gave a damn about what he said.  Not true, but lets just agree-this guy was delusional.  The sauntering bad-boy (who was rapidly becoming a typical freak my magnet loves to attract), seemed to picture me as this creature:

Stoic, graceful, proud. Ability to kill in an instant.

With growing embarrassment, I was feeling more and more like this version of his story:

Naive, idiotic. Maintaining ability to follow moron to dinner.

When he started referencing the primal nature of fornication as if he were the first man to conclude this theory (neanderthals the underworld over simultaneously turned in their graves); I left to go to the bathroom.

I couldn’t bring myself to sit staring at him while he uttered words like raw, natural, wild, and animalistic in reference to what he had hoped would be our after dinner plans.  Each whisper was so creepily rehearsed I was sure he’d given himself a peptalk in the mirror earlier in the evening.  Locking eye contact, he tried to stroke my cheek with his forefinger while proclaiming his desire to ‘tame’ me.

Wrong girl Tarzan, wrong girl.

I called my best friend from the bathroom, scheduled the appropriate emergency phone call for five minutes later, and returned to the table.

At this point I had been in the restaurant a total of ten minutes.

He may have looked like Johnny Depp.

He may have been a writer.

But even at 22 I could tell-this tribesman was far from warrior.


16 Responses to “Taming the lioness”

  1. Barbara November 19, 2010 at 4:23 pm #

    Great story! That guy was just a bit over the top!

    • wanderingmenace November 20, 2010 at 1:12 am #

      oh yes, he was quite the charmer, that’s for sure.

  2. Allison November 19, 2010 at 5:01 pm #

    That’s an awful date story! Clearly he wasn’t anticipating a clever girl – he thought he’d say his piece and you’d be his.

    Good for you for bailing!

    • wanderingmenace November 20, 2010 at 1:13 am #

      yea, it’s funny because looking back I’m surprised I even bothered with the fake phone call. If that happened to me now, I’d just walk out.

  3. suki @ [Super Duper Fantastic] November 19, 2010 at 5:21 pm #

    Oh wow, that’s just awful. A little traumatizing, but it definitely makes for a great story. *rawr*

    • wanderingmenace November 20, 2010 at 1:14 am #

      Thanks! Yes, traumatizing it was. The touch of his finger nearly corpsified my face. Good thing I got outta there.

  4. Ken November 19, 2010 at 5:35 pm #

    That guy needs a kick in the nuts and a haircut. And also a kick in the nuts.

    • wanderingmenace November 20, 2010 at 1:14 am #

      I concur. A swift kick to the nuts might ‘tame’ his member.

  5. Zia Zitella November 19, 2010 at 11:52 pm #

    Sound more like “this tribesman was far from”… the tribe.
    Definitely barking up the wrong tree.

    • wanderingmenace November 20, 2010 at 1:16 am #

      So true Zia, so true. I guess that’s what you get when you fall for the lone artistic types in coffee shops. I wish I could say this was the last time I fell for that little act, but there are several musicians in my past who would beg to differ.

  6. Gnetch November 20, 2010 at 8:55 am #

    Whoa! Creepy!! Good thing you made your way out.

    I did that “fake emergency phone call” when I went out with this guy who was too boring. That always works, yeah?

    • wanderingmenace November 20, 2010 at 9:08 am #

      Well I’d like to think it always works, but I don’t know who we think we are kidding. My fake ’emergency’ voice is hardly convincing, but at least it got me out of the situation.
      I wonder how many of us have pulled that? Could be a real boy-who-cried-wolf type situation in the future if I’m not careful.

  7. Mrs. K November 21, 2010 at 2:56 am #

    haha What a freak! I have some similar dating disaster stories that make me feel all icky when I reflect on them.

    • wanderingmenace November 24, 2010 at 8:33 am #

      Yea the finger on face move was enough to warrant a shower when I got home.

  8. henry November 24, 2010 at 8:29 am #

    hahaha i enjoyed this.

    • wanderingmenace November 24, 2010 at 8:34 am #

      Thanks Henry.
      Always happy to have people stop by.

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