Tequila, a bad-boy, leather, and my brief stunt as a muse

25 Nov

Trouble always finds me when I’m trying to drink tequila in peace.

I was 22, I decided I hated men, and I went out with my roommate to celebrate the recent discovery.

Sitting at the Irish pub down the street from our apartment, I ordered a round of shots for her and I, and the two of us began discussing why boys were stupid.  I can’t remember the details, but I’m sure it was an inspiring conversation.

Nibbling on a lime slice, I happened to look down the bar.

That’s where I spotted him.

Notebook, guitar case at feet, scotch on the rocks, dark hair, blue eyes, and tattoos.

Normally this would have done me in instantly.  But considering the festivities, I instead ordered another round of tequila and my roommate and I watched him from afar (ten feet down the bar).

Five minutes later my blood was happily flowing to the tune of a mariachi band.

So when Sexy McNogood beckoned me with his finger, I strolled down the bar to say hi.  At least that’s what I meant to say.  But what came out was:

“Hey, I’m out celebrating my hatred of all men.”

To which he responded:

“Interesting, I’m just out looking for a one night stand.”

Tilting my head at him curiously, I muttered: “ok then, I think we’re done here” before returning to the roommate.

Twenty minutes later, he asked for my phone number.

Two days later, he called.

We went on three dates.  On the eve of the third we were doing some hard-core smooching and yea ok-a little over-the clothing heavy petting was beginning.

I still had my jacket on though, to give you an indication of how far things had NOT progressed.

But for reasons still unclear to me now, he took this as an opportunity to utter the phrase:

“I’ve got something I want to show you.”

Standing up, he walked to his closet, opened the door, and asked me to come inside.

Peering into the former master bedroom closet, I saw various toys, whips, leather attire, masks, and some sort of swinging contraption in the corner.

For the record men, this is not the appropriate way to introduce this particular form of extracurricular activites to a potential mate.

As my Romeo soon discovered.

Speechless, I stared at him for some seconds before casually attempting to exit his house.  Muttering something about leaving the iron on in my apartment, I hopped down the stairs, yelled out something about not bothering to call me again, and left the house o’leather.

A month later I was back in the same bar with my roommate.  This time we were celebrating her hatred of men.

It was open mic night.

Out of nowhere tattooed leather man slimed onstage.

Staring directly at me, he began strumming his guitar while singing:

“You were out to hate all men, and I was just looking for a one night stand”

The song lasted about three minutes.

Thankfully it ended in time for my roommate and I to have one last round of tequila.


16 Responses to “Tequila, a bad-boy, leather, and my brief stunt as a muse”

  1. Bob November 25, 2010 at 11:37 am #

    Wow you sure can pick em Ry. At least you had the sense get your buns out of there quick before he had you repeating a scene from Silence of the Lambs. YIKES

    Sounds like a pretty crazy series of nights.

    • wanderingmenace November 25, 2010 at 11:40 am #

      hahaha, yes I am also glad I was able to exit stage right with relative ease.

      • Bob November 25, 2010 at 2:58 pm #

        So are you calling yourself Snagglepuss now instead of Ryzilla??

  2. wanderingmenace November 25, 2010 at 4:43 pm #

    No Bob no, that is definitely not in my plans.

  3. Gnetch November 25, 2010 at 7:09 pm #

    Oh wow. That was weird.

    But at least you became an inspiration. 🙂

  4. wanderingmenace November 25, 2010 at 11:21 pm #

    Yes well I do what I can Gnetch, I do what I can

  5. Allison November 26, 2010 at 3:44 am #

    Hey – he wrote a song about you – so that’s pretty impressive. And it’s probably good you didn’t take him up on the one night stand, as I’m sure he would have unleashed his little closet of horrors much sooner. Wait, maybe that would have been better – to know sooner.

    I’ve definitely gone out to celebrate hating men and ended up doing stupid things.

    • wanderingmenace November 26, 2010 at 10:58 am #

      yea, I suppose I should be happy about the song….
      Hard to say on whether or not seeing the closet sooner rather than later would have made a difference, but I doubt I would have gotten a song out of it if It’d been sooner 🙂
      we’ve all celebrated one time or another.
      As always Allison-thanks for stopping by!

  6. subWOW November 26, 2010 at 8:07 am #

    Dang! The beginning of this post, those two lines? Totally read like the opening of a good RomCom…

    • wanderingmenace November 26, 2010 at 10:59 am #

      I should write out a screenplay for a romcom involving some of the debacles of my past. Might be good, who knows?

  7. Man-shopper November 26, 2010 at 4:02 pm #

    THIS guy! You never told me that he was drinking scotch! Man, now it makes even more sense why you pounced on him. Why are tequila stories always so awesome?

    • wanderingmenace November 29, 2010 at 12:43 pm #

      Because more often than not, tequila stories involve bad-assery. And that Shopper, is what we do best.

  8. lifestartsnow November 26, 2010 at 9:54 pm #

    oh, that’s why it’s called “to be in the closet”??? thanks for that intro to english bedroom language 😉

    • wanderingmenace November 29, 2010 at 12:42 pm #

      hahaha, you know? I didn’t think of it that way…

  9. Mrs. K November 29, 2010 at 5:11 am #

    I’ll always drink to the facts that men are stupid and tequilla is medicinal. Cheers!

    • wanderingmenace November 29, 2010 at 12:40 pm #

      Ah yes, the medicinal qualities of tequila have gotten me far in life.

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