Sex, aliens, and courage

29 Nov

When I was ten, my parents rented a sex-ed tape from the library and made me watch it with them on the couch.

With candy.

It’s no wonder I only eat popcorn at the movies these days.

By the end of the film, my eyes had turned to the size of dinner plates.  Convinced they were from another planet, I stared at my parents in sheer horror.  Exactly 63 minutes prior to sitting on that couch, they were the loving providers of shelter, food, and buckets of presents.  By the time my father turned off the television, they had morphed into creatures from another planet who were concerned with topics I wanted absolutely nothing to do with.


The two of them stared at me after it ended, curiously watching my response as if I were a case study.  Nervously tapping her fingers, my mother asked if I had any questions.  My father tilted his head.

By this point I was convinced that these so-called humans in front of me were alien sleeper pods.  I had questions-but you can hardly ask aliens what they’ve done with your real parents.  My knees shaking, I walked to the kitchen to get a glass of water.

The voice of the narrator branded in my head as I tried desperately to forget the phrase: ‘the sperm now travels through the penis shaft’.

Taking a sip of water, I feigned calm in front of the aliens.  My hands trembled as I mumbled the sudden need for a bike ride, and meandered towards the garage in what I desperately hoped would be a convincing act of cool and collected.

Once my feet hit the pedals, my imagination exploded.

A combination of scenes from the video and all alien movie plots I had ever seen infiltrated my brain as I pushed my bike further from the house o-extra-terrestrial parents.

Vowing to erase the images from my mind, I pedaled out to the treehouse to re-evaluate my family situation.  One thing was clear, my parents had lost their minds.  Whether or not that had something to do with spacecraft was unclear.  Further investigation was necessary.

I vowed to shelter my brother from a similar fate.  Whispering to him after dinner that night, I told him never to watch anything Mom and Dad brought home from the video store.  Staring at me from behind the red curls framing his chubby face, kid-Ginger obediently nodded.

Figuring that he was safe for the time being, I then lined up my stuffed animals to hold an open forum.  Not one of them provided much insight except Snoopy.  Being the oldest of the bunch, he just stared at me with those innocent eyes, willing me to take charge of the situation.

I had to save the human race from the aliens who were forcing children to watch this video.  Purpose of said video was unclear to me, but I was sure it could lead to nothing but tears, destruction, and the complete annihilation of mankind.

Tucking Snoopy under my arm, I fell asleep determined to warn the students of my class in the morning.  This situation was serious.

The next day, my teacher showed the video to my classmates.

As they watched in frozen horror, our loving teacher turned it off at the end and asked if any of us had already seen the tape.

Bravely, facing alien destruction, I defiantly raised my hand.  This creature was not going to shock me, no sir.   I had already seen the horror, now was the time for confrontation.

All my classmates turned in my direction.  It was clear, my hand indicated authority.  I was now the leader of these innocent sheep being sent to slaughter.

“I already saw it.  I already know what you’re going to say”.

That ladies and gentlemen, is how I became the playground expert on sex education and alien invasion.  The rest of the day, I was a celebrity on the swings, hollering out instructions on how we must unite against the adults.  My classmates eagerly hopped on board with this plan.  I was the shephard, and by God-I would not let harm come to my flock.

This lasted one day.

The next morning Joey Hunter brought in a copy of his father’s Playboy.

Turns out, the aliens knew how to get the boys attention.


24 Responses to “Sex, aliens, and courage”

  1. Bob November 29, 2010 at 2:15 pm #

    No wonder why you still carry the scars of childhood. I learned about sex where all young people should, from slightly older friends who had no idea what they were talking about. To this day I still wonder how I get that darn Clitoris open to get my treats.

    As for the aliens they sure know how to get to boys quickly, little girls on the other hand just seem to have too many smarts and attitude. “There is no way I am doing that! EWWWWW”

    Hmmm thinking of this, I guess it’s about time I rented a video and sat down with my daughter. EWWWWWWWW.

    • wanderingmenace November 29, 2010 at 2:17 pm #

      Yea well little boys watch the video and get to imagine going where all men want to go.
      Little girls watch all the way through that birthing scene at the end and wonder how on earth their bodies will ever morph into pods capable of such delivery.

  2. Georgina Dollface November 29, 2010 at 3:37 pm #

    Oh my! I think I would have died if that had happened to me (which kind of defeats the purpose of teaching kids all about procreation if you think about it.) I remember how embarrassed I was watching my first movie love scene on our “new” Beta machine in front of my parents. I just wanted to slide under the crack in the sofa cushions and hide down there with all the spare change, lost lego pieces and missing socks. – G

    • wanderingmenace November 29, 2010 at 3:41 pm #

      I know what you mean.
      Clearly it was so mortifying my brain turned the whole mess into an alien invasion problem rather than admitting that sex was something humans voluntarily did.
      I definitely wished the couch had sucked me into some sort of abyss.

  3. Sandy November 29, 2010 at 3:58 pm #

    I have visions of Tyler in the school yard…

    • wanderingmenace November 29, 2010 at 4:18 pm #

      yes little boys…..
      You’ve got a handful coming your way. 🙂

  4. Jimmy November 29, 2010 at 6:46 pm #

    Whoa I never got that video in school.

    Lucky me!

    – Jimmy

    • wanderingmenace November 29, 2010 at 6:47 pm #

      Seriously lucky you. Watching it in front of the parents was mortifying.

  5. Paige Worthy November 29, 2010 at 7:09 pm #

    What’s worse: Being mortified for some long-extended moment but knowing what lay ahead, or remaining blissfully unaware for most of your life until — SURPRISE! — it’s time to start sexin’ things up?

    I was the latter. I’d take aliens over the dark, empty expanses of deep space any day.

    This was hilarious.

    • wanderingmenace November 29, 2010 at 7:13 pm #

      SURPRISE!! It’s time to start sexin things up!!!

      Yea I never thought about it that way before.

      Maybe no matter what they do, parents scar us in the end. 🙂
      Thanks for reading!

  6. Gnetch November 29, 2010 at 8:18 pm #

    When I was little, every time we watched movies, my mom would forward the tape during sex scenes. So now, it’s still awkward for me when I watch movies at home with her and then a heavy sex scene (with heavy Serena Van Der Woodsen panting) comes up. I feel like she’s looking at me with judging eyes.

    • wanderingmenace November 29, 2010 at 8:42 pm #

      hahaha yea that’s no good.
      Nothing like awkward family time huh?

  7. TheIdiotSpeaketh November 30, 2010 at 12:05 am #

    LMAO! And here I thought me plopping my son down in front of Cinemax was awkward…. 🙂

    • wanderingmenace November 30, 2010 at 1:07 am #

      yes my family is notorious for awkward stories. Usually these are repeated by either myself or kid-Ginger.
      I’m sure my parents really love that. 🙂

  8. Your Father November 30, 2010 at 6:27 am #

    Good lord. I thought YOU(and/or your brother) were the aliens based on how you managed – with distressing frequency – to transport yourselves through bedroom walls or to squeeze, octopus-like, under our “locked” door at the MOST AWKWARD times. No human could do that…

    I’ve been wise to the pair of you for quite some time now. The people at Roswell always say “no comment” when asked whether they want their 2 missing aliens returned – which is pretty much all the proof a tabloid would need to identify the real aliens.

    Nice try, Gorzak, but your little ploy to deflect alien-hunter attention from yourself has failed!

    • wanderingmenace November 30, 2010 at 6:35 am #

      Ladies and gentlemen,
      Meet my father.

      professional cover: “Lawyer”

      Extra-Terrestrial Identity: King of the alien sleeper cells.

  9. apieceofthepiehole November 30, 2010 at 6:55 pm #

    You just told me what NOT to do with my two girls…. You don’t even want to know how the “talk” went down at my house. It went something like, You get pregnant, I kill you…. 🙂 I pretty much took that seriously

    • wanderingmenace November 30, 2010 at 7:06 pm #

      Yea that’s how most of my friends were raised.
      Though I have to say that since it wasn’t a taboo topic in the house, it wasn’t this massive forbidden, exotic temptation. It was more just like, well-this is what will happen eventually, this is how you take care of it.
      And then of course I wanted to die in embarassment of the fact that they brought it up, which probably contributed a lot to my total and complete lack of a sex life until far later than my friends.
      I’m not sure you can win either way.

  10. Kelly Hay December 1, 2010 at 12:42 am #

    This was too funny! I can remember how awkward “the talk” was with my parents (more like what talk???) … so I vowed to always be open and straight-forward with my own children. Of course, such leads to hilarious moments when my children blurt out questions about sex – in the presence of guests no less – who aren’t quite so used to such bluntness!

    • wanderingmenace December 1, 2010 at 1:14 am #

      yes that bluntness you speak of, we are used to that in my family for sure.
      thanks for stopping by!!

  11. nikki04 December 1, 2010 at 3:10 pm #

    Ah yes. The “talk”. Now with video.

    I had a book that my mom reviewed with me. And then I think I stole it and kept it under my bed… for, shall we say, review. I think our reactions to sex ed might have been a lil different.

    Then again… I started masturbating around age 7. And my mom (who works for Planned Parenthood, so she’s not… weird just… apple doesn’t fall far from the tree?) explained to me that “this is the clitoris – it’s what makes sex feel good!”

    Yes. Well. Aliens are also interesting.

  12. Courtney December 1, 2010 at 4:20 pm #

    Hah! This is hilarious – and I can totally picture the head tilt! And how much do I love that your dad commmented!!

  13. Courtney December 1, 2010 at 4:20 pm #

    Wow, I was a little crazy with the exclamation points. 🙂

    • wanderingmenace December 1, 2010 at 4:29 pm #

      No worries Court, no worries. I don’t discriminate against punctuation. My dad’s response is a classic, loving it.
      Anyone reading that might get a better understanding of why I am the way I am.
      So glad you’re catching back up, I’m off to check yours out too!

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