Houston, we have a leg-warmer problem.

5 Dec

Someone alert hospice care, I’ve lost my dignity.

I knew things were getting bad when I mistook my reflection for Jane Fonda before leaving the apartment last night.  I thought, ‘no matter Ry, this is part of the character.  Part of the girl named Rachel you’ve decided to portray to anyone who approaches you tonight’.

This, evidently, is my idea of a good time.

Rachel, the aspiring actress/waitress who couldn’t wait to ‘understand’ British culture.  Rachel of the no IQ.  Rachel, the blonde girl with a propensity for hair twirling, loud giggling, and repeatedly asking: “wait, what does that mean?”.  Rachel, traveling Europe with her oldest and longest friend.

Loyally at my side, Man_Shopper too had chosen a persona.

Kayti the Starbucks barista.  Kayti with the chip on her shoulder.  Kayti the indy girl full of Ani references and eye-rolling.  Kayti, Miss too-cool-for-school.  Kayti from Boston, traveling with her oldest friend-despite said friend’s irritating qualities.

She looked like a rock chick.

Dark, mysterious, sexy.

I looked like an 80s escort.

Pasty, curvy, moronic.

Seriously, I even had leg warmers.

Rachel's accessory of choice.

Granted, I had voluntarily clad myself in 80’s attire for the evening, so it’s not like there’s anyone else to blame here.

Blasting Pump up the Jam (full with video-courtesy of youtube), she and I took our time getting ready.  Hair, make-up, and jewellery choices were all discussed at length.

When we got it perfect, it was time to go.

Bellies full of sandwiches, make-up piled on faces, Kayti and I headed off to Camden town with a mission.

I desperately wanted to make a man wake up the following morning and say to himself:

“Dear holy God, I think that was the dumbest girl on the planet.  Cardboard brains.  How in the name of Manchester United was I able to stand the conversation?”

I vowed not to break character.  No sarcasm would pass through my thick lipstick.  No sir.

Man_Shopper wanted to research how differently men would react to her if she were someone else.  She has a dating blog, so this was a prime opportunity to play a different part.

I didn’t have a cool excuse.  I just love to play.

So off we went.

It never once occurred to me that no one would approach us.  My narcissim is too great for such a thought to enter my brain.

But yet…

Sadly….

That is what happened.

Operation Hot Sister was an EPIC FAILURE BECAUSE NO MAN APPROACHED US, LOOKED AT US, OR DID SO MUCH AS NOD IN OUR DIRECTION.  ALL-CAPS USE TO EMPHASIZE THE HUMILIATION OF REALIZING ONE HAS LOST ONES MOJO.

Gone.

Finito.

No characters.  No conversation.  No free drinks.  No eye-flirting.  No. Anything.

Just the two of us idiots, tequila shots, and late-night sandwiches.

The longest conversation we had with any man was at Subway when we ordered foot-longs to devour our sorrows.

So that’s it.

Ladies and gentlemen, we no longer turn heads.

I’m sure there’s an argument for karma somewhere in all of this nonsense.  Just as soon as my ego recovers, it’ll warrant further investigation.

One things for certain though.  Tomorrow, I’m gonna wear the sexy tight pants I bought today to make myself feel better.

Zilla down bloggers, Zilla down.

If you want her version of the events, click here please.

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20 Responses to “Houston, we have a leg-warmer problem.”

  1. Bob December 5, 2010 at 9:57 pm #

    Oh sad sad Zilla. I feel your pain, even though it comes through milk squirting out my nose as I laugh through this post!

    Seriously, HA HA HA! Too funny, I hope you at least got some pictures to spread around. Your drawings are nice but we need photographic evidence of your fail.

    No one approached you two at all?? I find that hard to believe. Perhaps you were flirting in the wrong neighbourhood? Maybe you should have went to soho?

    Epic! Well at least you two have a story out of your night out!!

    • wanderingmenace December 5, 2010 at 10:01 pm #

      hahaha
      yea we just sat there, drinking shots of tequila and occasionally looking down at the horror that was our outfits. She has pics, she’s swearing at her computer as I type this-she’s gonna put them up soon.
      I assure you, the outfit was epic.

  2. julieparisienne December 5, 2010 at 9:59 pm #

    :O

  3. Man-shopper December 5, 2010 at 10:35 pm #

    Nice knee there, Menace.

    And didn’t you know? The 80s escort look is very hot right now.

    P.S. I think that I prefer illustrated-me to real-me. If only I could live life as a Wandering Menace cartoon. I bet that illustrated-us would have been more successful in Camden than we actually were. Le sigh.

  4. wanderingmenace December 5, 2010 at 10:40 pm #

    Shopper,

    Correction. The 80s escort look is NOT hot right now, as I believe we experienced in full humiliating form last night.
    Thank god for tequila.
    I think you’re right on the illustrated versions of us having more success. My cartoon buttchin can leg-kick. So at least that would have been a party-trick.

  5. TheIdiotSpeaketh December 5, 2010 at 10:47 pm #

    Trust me…they were looking! A good guy can be walking in the opposite direction, over 100 yards away, and can still be scoping you out. Why they did not say anything is a mystery. Damn Brits! 🙂

    • wanderingmenace December 5, 2010 at 10:52 pm #

      Idiot you’re too kind.
      I wish I could agree with you. Trust me, every ego-inflated part of me wants to happily fall headfirst into this theory of yours.
      But they were wasted.
      They were not slick.
      And they were not looking.

      • Man-shopper December 5, 2010 at 10:58 pm #

        I confirm that they most certainly were not looking. Between our two sets of eyes scanning the room and our two sets of legs walking through the crowd, it is unlikely that we would miss any vibes being thrown our way. It was ego-squashingly tragic.

      • TheIdiotSpeaketh December 6, 2010 at 1:54 pm #

        Obviously they were scoping out the dudes then….what part of London were you in? 🙂 Trust me…you gals walk around here in Texas like that and you’ll get lots of YEE-HAW’s!!! Except from the Brokeback Mountain segment of the population of course…

  6. Heather December 6, 2010 at 2:44 pm #

    This might be one of the best blog post titles I have ever seen!

  7. Gnetch December 7, 2010 at 3:53 am #

    I saw the pictures and I must say, the outfits were epic.

    • wanderingmenace December 14, 2010 at 10:16 am #

      Why thank you Gnetch, as you know, I love all things epic.

  8. Grandma Helen December 7, 2010 at 4:23 pm #

    What the hell were you thinking?!

    • wanderingmenace December 14, 2010 at 10:16 am #

      I think it’s safe to say, I didn’t think this plan through G-ma, didn’t think it through…

  9. singlegirlie December 9, 2010 at 7:09 pm #

    Love the illustrations. Those guys must’ve been gay. No other explanation.

    • wanderingmenace December 14, 2010 at 10:17 am #

      Thanks! Not sure what happened there, but just happy to move on and forget about it at this point. 🙂

  10. Zia Zitella December 13, 2010 at 7:46 pm #

    Saw her pics, but luv the drawings. You two were definitely styling.

    • wanderingmenace December 14, 2010 at 10:17 am #

      hahaha
      Yes, cartoon versions of the events tend to rock my heart out.
      Thanks!

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. Ms. Rock Chick in London | Man-shopping in Paris - December 5, 2010

    […] In a similar vein, Ryan’s character was a bimbo/aspiring actress named Rachel who, on a good day, has the IQ of mud.  She rocked a skin-tight leopard print number, leg-warmers and a pompadour (see photo to the left).  For her full account of Operation Hot Sister, complete with kickass illustrations, check out her blog post here. […]

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