Fat Man, these are my demands.

6 Dec

Big Guy,

We need to talk.

You know who you are.

White beard, giant belly, buckled boots, obsession with red.  Oh, and you’re a sell-out.

That’s right Santa.  I said it.

You think I haven’t caught on?  What used to be a workshop full of elves is now a vacant hole.  Scraps of paper, tinsel, and bells blow silently through the chilly warehouse.  Merry song and cheer have left the building.

You’ve outsourced to China, and I’ve got all the cheap plastic stocking stuffers to prove it.

I get it, times are rough.  The elves formed a union and though I don’t necessarily agree with all of their sweatshop claims, I do think it’s a little weird you refused to install heating.

I mean, the North Pole is cold.

Those guys are pretty small.  They don’t have the same insulation as you.  Judging from the many depositions in which individual elves said you forced them to give up their meals on a moments notice, it’s no wonder they didn’t stay.

That new cruise line they’ve started is really taking off.

Lets be honest-they do customer service pretty damn well.

Not that any of this really bothers me.  I’m writing on a more personal level.  You claim to know all of us, so I think it’s fair to assume we’re on a first name basis.

So Santa, here’s my issue with your latest antics.

Your demands have not changed despite the shift in personnel.

This is unfair.

You demand that I am good.  For the entire year, I am supposed to be on my best behavior.  I assure you, I do this.  It’s not easy.  But still, for the love of presents, I am a saint all year long.

A. Saint.

Do I leave out a bowl of dry cookie crisp for you on Christmas Eve?  No.  I don’t.  I leave out homemade, gooey, warm, delicious chocolate chip cookies.

It’s this attention to detail I think you’ve forgotten.

Since you insist that I am good but have been delivering merchandise made by the hands not of elves, but of small children in a far-off land, I have to take a stand.

I am not going to be good.

But you’re still going to bring presents.

If you don’t, I’m gonna tell Mrs. Claus about those piles of depositions she never saw.

You know what I’m talking about.

They’re in your desk right now.  Back file, behind boys names starting with Z.

The files I refer to are full of descriptions such as ‘uncomfortable’, ‘prone to leering’, ‘inappropriate handling of tube of cookie dough’, ‘spanking’, ‘moaning when bells on shoes jingled’, and my personal favorite:  “caught sniffing wool knickers in elven locker room’.

For shame Santa, for shame.

I doubt Mrs. Claus will be so nice to you if she finds out about those files.

So here’s the plan.

I’m going to be naughty.  All year long.

And you?

You’re going to bring me presents.  REAL presents.

And you’re gonna like it.

Expect my list post-haste.  Pleasure doing business with you.

Thanks Chubs.

Merry Christmas.


13 Responses to “Fat Man, these are my demands.”

  1. TheIdiotSpeaketh December 6, 2010 at 9:40 pm #

    “Inappropriate handling of cookie dough tube”…. Hmmmm…..I always wondered if Santa was secretly playing for the other team….. I guess now we know…… LMAO! You my friend, are one warped little lady! And I LIKE IT!!!! Thanks for the laughs!

    • wanderingmenace December 7, 2010 at 4:54 pm #

      Well Idiot,
      That is indeed an interesting interpretation of what I wrote. I was just thinking of all the min-idiots in 7th grade woodshop who thought it was hilarious to hold their ill-formed baseball bats at unneccesary height.
      Anytime on the laughs, anytime. 🙂

  2. Bob December 6, 2010 at 10:00 pm #

    Santa had better be on guard! Those really sound like fighting words there Ryzilla. I always knew there was something creepy about that old fart. Really why else would he be watching us day and night.

    Hell if I did that with Cinemax late night I would get my ass kicked out of the house. Instead Santa needs the real thing to get his “Ho Ho OHHH GAWD” off.

    Sicko! Good on you Ry for sticking it to the man.

    • wanderingmenace December 7, 2010 at 4:56 pm #

      That’s a little gross what you did there, not gonna lie to you.
      Are you friends with Santa? How did I not know this?
      If you are, think you could hotwire his sled, I really wanna meet Comet.
      I feel like he’s left out a lot.

  3. Man-shopper December 7, 2010 at 1:22 am #

    Ryan, your open letter to Santa is phenomenally diabolical, and I love it.

    Idiot, I never thought about Santa batting for the other team, but your interpretation is intriguing. Very post-modern 🙂

    Bob, your explicitness may have traumatized me a little. Who knew. Apparently I have retained some of my childhood innocence about Santa.

    • wanderingmenace December 7, 2010 at 4:57 pm #

      (insert crazed wringing of hands here)

  4. Gnetch December 7, 2010 at 3:35 am #

    I’m starting to hate Santa. I’m just pretending that I don’t hate him because he might give me what I want this year.

    He’s been ignoring me. He’s mean.

    • wanderingmenace December 7, 2010 at 4:58 pm #

      Well Gnetch. This is why I took a stand.
      A stand for all of mankind really.
      I’ll look into your personal complaints shortly.

  5. Artswebshow December 7, 2010 at 3:58 pm #

    You tell him.
    I’m sick of that ol perv not taking his responsibilities seriously.
    Though dont provoke him too much, this might happen.

    • wanderingmenace December 7, 2010 at 5:01 pm #

      This is what I’m talking about. Santa is getting outta control.
      I’m glad the elves got outta there.
      Not great what happened to the reindeer. I’d like to think of Rudolf in any other context than being ground up in a meat grinder.

  6. Sandra December 8, 2010 at 5:18 pm #

    You are a terrific and creative, and hilarious writer! Love how you address Santa as Chubs…not sure that’s gonna get you the good stuff, but hey, maybe he needs some motivation in the weight loss department…so unfair for the reindeers all that weight they have to carry!

    • wanderingmenace December 8, 2010 at 7:31 pm #

      thank you!!! I was dying reading your nipple story the other day, so that means a lot coming from someone so funny.
      I concur, this is unfair for the reindeer.

  7. subWOW December 12, 2010 at 5:52 am #

    Santa has been holding us hostage, blackmailing us with the promise of presents for too long. Way to fight back, lady!

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