Love story: or my lack of tits until age 20.

8 Dec

Fifth grade.

Stretch pants.  Side ponytail.  Bart Simpson t-shirt.

Seat next to me occupied by one boy.

The boy.

Blonde hair.  Dimples.  Guns & Roses tshirt.

Swoon.

Seat on other side of me occupied by another boy.

Specifically not the boy.

Jeans. Red t-shirt.  Plastic digital watch used to communicate with ‘spies’.

Wrinkle nose, roll eyes, try to ignore any and all sounds eminating from his desk.

Lean a little closer to the boy to ask a question.

Flip hair.  Twirl pencil.  Smile.

Something hits my face.

It has been launched from the other side.

And then again.

Bouncing off my cheek, a fruitsnack falls onto my desk.

Followed by inane giggling.

Blush away from the boy.

Turn to glare at the other boy.

He is sitting on his package of fruit snacks.

A look of sheer determination on his face.

Breath held, brow furrowed he focuses.

Then, a fart.

Onto a fruit snack.

A fruit snack he then tries to launch at my face.

A fart fruit.

The boy now checking out another girl.

She already has tits.

I don’t.

For the next ten years.

I will attract nothing.

But more fart fruit.

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14 Responses to “Love story: or my lack of tits until age 20.”

  1. Bob December 8, 2010 at 8:30 pm #

    I feel for you Ryan. Hard enough you were named after a boy and the no titties thing really sucks at that age. But look on the bright side since yours are fairly new they will stay hot and perky longer than all of those other sluts in grade school.

    It always helps to think of the positives instead of the negatives in situations like this. BTW what ever happened to fart fruit boy?? Does he work at some crappy food based delivery job?? One can always hope!!

    • wanderingmenace December 9, 2010 at 12:45 am #

      Fart fruit boy is going to feature in some later posts, so keep reading. Our story did not end on that day. No sir, no it did not.
      Yea I’m not too concerned about losing out on THE boy. He didn’t grow up to greatness as I recall, so it’s probably for the best.

  2. Man-shopper December 8, 2010 at 8:35 pm #

    Ah, young love… Don’t miss it a bit!

    Well, at least thank the universe that you got tits eventually. Some girls never do. Le sigh.

    • wanderingmenace December 9, 2010 at 12:43 am #

      Shopper,
      You and I both know you’re hot.
      That is all.
      Over and out.

  3. TheIdiotSpeaketh December 8, 2010 at 8:55 pm #

    Oh you crack me up!! Fart fruit!! Love it!! Wish I had known that term back when I was in Grade School….. Leave it you….. Put the word tits in the title…and leave em with fart fruit….Brilliant!!! Abso-freaking-lutely Brilliant!! 🙂

    • wanderingmenace December 9, 2010 at 12:41 am #

      Hahaha, yea I figured you’d appreciate that Idiot.
      For the record, fart fruit is not a delicacy I recommend.
      When he discovered how grossed out I was, he starting doing the same thing to his sandwiches. Also, he was convinced if he periodically swallowed gulps of air throughout the day, he’d be able to fart later.
      He thought he was swallowing bullets, I swear.
      My Casanova huh? My freaking Casanova.

  4. Your Father December 9, 2010 at 12:07 am #

    Yeah, giving you that boy’s name was a stroke of genius (hats off to your mother for that one).

    The delayed development was a genetic bonus that soothed your concerned parents; although, as you continue to reveal the travails of your hellish youth, it will doubtless be proclaimed to the world that much of the horror can be sourced to the hands of the ruthless and clueless pair of doofusses that spawned you;)

    • wanderingmenace December 9, 2010 at 12:38 am #

      Dad,

      You know as well as I do that without these stories, our family dinners would be boring, snooze-inducing, and lacking the certain je ne sais quoi which provides us such entertainment.
      Imagine if you’d had a normal daughter. Just stop and think about that for one moment. She’d be successful, married, and likely popping out grandkids who you could spoil.
      But would she have pizzazz?
      Let’s take a bow of silence for the importance of pizzazz in life Pops.

      You guys were kind of ruthless sometimes. It’s just unfortunate that you had two gemini children who ‘travel with the wind’.

      Let’s hope the kid makes it back from Thailand with buckets of new material huh? Good times Dad. Good. Times.

  5. Gnetch December 9, 2010 at 3:25 am #

    LMAO on fart fruit!!!

    Oh. This reminded me of my first crush. I was in 1st grade!! Ha!

    • wanderingmenace December 9, 2010 at 10:57 pm #

      First crushes can be rough Gnetch. Maybe I’ll write a post about mine soon, it’s a little bizarre…

  6. yellowcat December 9, 2010 at 10:41 pm #

    The fruit farts grow up to be funny men. THE boys grow up to be conceited womanizers with drug problems.

    • wanderingmenace December 12, 2010 at 12:51 pm #

      That’s true. It’s ALL about the funny men. No laughter=intense boredom, wandering imagination, and eventual homicide investigation….

  7. subWOW December 12, 2010 at 5:49 am #

    LOL. But you’ve got them now. Sweet vengeance!

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