Mutinous reindeer, spiked egg nog, and bedazzled antlers

9 Dec

Please be seated.

I’m sorry to call you all in so early, but there are several issues which have been brought to my attention.  They need addressing and I’ve been informed that without this meeting, stable mutiny is inevitable.

Normally I like to keep out of reindeer affairs, but when Vixen went rogue a few weeks ago his departure sparked this downward spiral into anarchy.

Enough is enough.

Vixen is gone.

No matter how long you run around in those sweatbands and cut off t-shirts with the ripped V, he is not coming back.  Comet, I am told you’ve been spreading secret hoofshakes in the fields.

This will not bring him back.

I know you think he went out in a blaze of freedom, but I have it on good authority he’s lounging on a beach in the tropics, sipping pina coladas, happy to be out of the snow.  I suggest you rid yourselves of all Vixen related paraphernalia.

Moving on.

Dasher and Donner there will be no more initiation into Fight Club after dark.  Don’t shake your heads at me, I know very well what the rules are and I wish to God I’d never bought you that damn DVD in the first place.  Last week Cupid broke an antler, and I don’t need to remind you what THAT will do to our marketing team.

We’re still trying to recover from the great sled crash of ’06 when one of you thought it would be hilarious to spike Rudolf’s egg nog.  As you will recall, Santa’s knee never did recover and the insurance policy had to be modified just to detangle most of you from those plastic snowmen.  Blitzen smelled like electrified fur for months after that little adventure of yours.

That’s right Dancer, look away.  I know I could never prove it, but when you claimed ‘medical reasons’ for needing that hip flask, I pieced it together.

Finally, Prancer I’ve reviewed your request.  You cannot possibly convince me that bedazzling everyone’s antlers will bring a sense of unity to this crowd.   If Dasher and Donner got their hoofs on you after that, I’d need to hire a whole new staff.

I’d like you all to wear the standard red vests this season.

Nothing fancy.  Nothing flashy.

Just. Red.

We start the interview process for the newest member tomorrow, and I’d like you all to be on your best behavior.

Thank you.

-Head Stable Elf


13 Responses to “Mutinous reindeer, spiked egg nog, and bedazzled antlers”

  1. apieceofthepiehole December 9, 2010 at 7:25 pm #

    OMG! That is a great piece! I have an obsession with Pottery Barn’s Reindeer dinnerware collection and I could just see those little Reindeer characters in this. My favorite is the sled crash of ’06! This needs to go viral! HILARIOUS!

    • wanderingmenace December 9, 2010 at 8:33 pm #

      Thanks! I’ll have to look up this dinnerware collection you speak of…sounds like something to be added to the collection.
      So glad to have you stop by!

  2. TheIdiotSpeaketh December 9, 2010 at 7:35 pm #

    No more reindeer fight club? Ya know….the number one rule of fight club is that you cannot discuss fight club….so….trust me….the reindeer will be coming for YOU now!……. 🙂 See ya BlondeZilla!

    • wanderingmenace December 9, 2010 at 8:34 pm #

      It’s cool Idiot.
      I can take the reindeer.
      They won’t ever know what hit em.

  3. Bob December 9, 2010 at 9:53 pm #

    I am so glad that you have the situation under control a mutiny can spread like wildfire if the mood is right.

    I suggest that you take a peek at Homer Simpson’s list for a suitable replacement. There was one particular name on the list that springs to mind. Donna Dixon maybe you can use one Vixen to fill in for another?

    • wanderingmenace December 10, 2010 at 7:56 am #

      It had not occurred to me to consult Homer Simpson on the issue. Perhaps I will take closer look at his potential regarding this issue….

  4. Sandy December 10, 2010 at 4:21 am #

    I am removing the Vixen hand towel from the bathroom immediately and putting in the Goodwill box

    • wanderingmenace December 10, 2010 at 7:57 am #

      Good woman Sandy, good woman. We don’t need that kind of energy muddling up the holiday season this year. 🙂

      • Sandy December 10, 2010 at 2:02 pm #

        I am concerned…’He’ was wearing a dress…could this be a hate crime?

  5. Gnetch December 10, 2010 at 5:28 am #

    This just disturbed me. I think it was Vixen that we had for dinner last night. :p

    • wanderingmenace December 10, 2010 at 7:58 am #

      Well all the better. If VIxen truly is sitting in your belly, then we can all move on to bigger and brighter holiday planning.
      Though he was scheduled to be the top of the reindeer pyramid this year…

  6. subWOW December 12, 2010 at 5:47 am #

    Awesomely hilarious! You’ve got a crazed mind and I LOVE IT!

    • wanderingmenace December 12, 2010 at 12:48 pm #

      (attempts to take bow, stumbles, falls onto face. Stands up, brushes off face, smiles)

      thanks. 🙂

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