sugar cookies, damn holiday poems, and my bowl full of jelly

16 Dec

Twas two weeks before Christmas, and all through the house

Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse.

good mouse, good mouse...

The stockings were hung, by the chimney with care

In hope that St. Nicholas soon would be there

subtlety is not my strong suit

Lil Zilla was nestled, all snug in her bed

While visions of sandwiches danced in her head

tuna melts, clubs, BLT's.....

Hot water bottle heated, onto my lap

I’d just settled my brain for a long midnight nap

cozy = best time ever

When out in the night there arose such a clatter

I sprang to my window to see what was the matter

obvious cause for alarm

Away to the window I flew like a flash

Tore open the shutters, and threw up the sash

lesser-known mythical creature

The moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow

Gave the luster of mid-day to the objects below

wayfarers required

When, what to my wondering eyes did form

But a tiny sleigh, and eight cookies-still warm

jovial, heated, caring little buddies

When a cranky old driver, yelled out several ‘Fucks’

I recognized instantly, that Star of the Bucks

cranky, bitter little creature

More rapid than eagles, his coursers they came,

And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name

cookies are hard of hearing

“Now Evil, Now Delicious, Now Fatty, Now Vixen!

Now Obese, Now Muffin-Top, Now Blubber, Now Blitzen!”

clearly, these cookies were well-fed

‘To her mouth! To her butt, and don’t you dare fall!

Fatten up, fatten up, fatten up all!!’

confused by Star's commands I froze

As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly

When they meet with an obtsacle, mount to the sky

leaves + hurricane = skymount

Up to my mouth, my ass, and my hips they flew

With bags full of lard, Star tagged along too


And then, in a twinkling, I caught a scent

Of nutmeg and spices-I knew what that meant

detecting deliciousness.....

As I drew in my head, and was turning around

Down the chimney Mr. Bucks came with a bound

insert Jaws soundtrack...

The cookies they followed, onto the log

Each bearing in fist, a cup of egg nog

the lard had turned into eggnog!!! My kryptonite!!!

The drinks were pushed higher into the air

Cookies and eggnog-this was so not fair!

sooo tempting......

Their eyes how they twinkled! Β Their dimples so merry!

Their cheeks were like roses. Β Noses like a cherry!

second only to button in cute-nose description

Their droll little mouths drawn up like a bow

The sprinkle on their chins as white as the snow

often both are found in epic movies (battle scenes and sex scenes)

I picked up a cookie with all of my might

Downed the egg nog, bit his face, and laughed in delight!

beginning stages of cookie slaughter '10

I had a mean look, and a round little belly

That shook when I laughed, like a bowl full of jelly

complete with unidentifiable squares you don't wanna eat

I drank all the egg nog and ate all the cookie men

Finished, I turned and saw Bucks holding a pen

writing utensil of preference for many

A wink of his eye and a twist of his head

Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread

twinkle in eye visible here

He spoke not a word but went straight to his work

Filling out spreadsheets, that crazed little jerk

my strengths, lets be honest

And laying his finger aside of his nose

And giving a nod, up the chimney he rose

peace out Star of the Bucks. Peace.Out.

He left me there alone in the dark

My round belly the last mark


And I heard him say as he hopped up and away

“Get your ass to the gym, you really need it today”

important gym attire

And so dear bloggers if you’re worried about me

Blame Starbucks for their eggnog and coffee

satan's friend. bringer of fat, deliciousness, and gore.

I’ll be back tomorrow, to sit at this sill

As my ass recovers, from that fucking treadmill.

Farewell, there is only one thing left to write:

happy presents friends


28 Responses to “sugar cookies, damn holiday poems, and my bowl full of jelly”

  1. subWOW December 16, 2010 at 10:55 pm #

    BRAVO!!!! BRAVO.

  2. Mark (The Idiot) December 16, 2010 at 11:09 pm #

    (Using Chris Farley in “Tommy Boy” voice) That was AWWWEEEESSOOMMMMEEEEE!!!!!!! Well worth the wait of not having you blog for a few days! You are one hilarious lady and a gifted artist! I ever write a book…I want you to do the illustrations! Thanks for the great laugh! πŸ™‚

    • wanderingmenace December 16, 2010 at 11:18 pm #

      Count me in Mark, count me in :). I’d love to illustrate some of your stories!!
      I shall try not to go so long without filling you in next time. πŸ™‚

  3. Man-shopper December 16, 2010 at 11:15 pm #

    Ah, when Star of the Bucks came on the scene, I KNEW that you had succumbed to the eggnog latte! If it makes you feel any better, I just put THREE canisters of confit de canard (4 cuisses each!) in my suitcase. I’m not even going to tell you how many packs of stroopwafels I bought today. Even we lactose intolerants find ways to pack in the decadence.

    • wanderingmenace December 16, 2010 at 11:21 pm #

      hahaha, yes. yes I did.
      You are one of the worst instigators, by the way. The cakes! The cookies! The man-shopper baking deliciousness….
      Thank God for the gym.

  4. Bob December 17, 2010 at 12:43 am #

    Our mystery blogger returns and hits yet another post out of the park!!! YAAAYYY for Christmas!!

    Screw the treadmill I am gonna get fat on Shortbreads!!!

    • wanderingmenace December 18, 2010 at 10:18 am #

      Oh how I love shortbread. mmmmmmmmm πŸ™‚ yummy

  5. Redawna December 17, 2010 at 1:14 am #

    Ever heard of the Starbucks 45?

    Jillian Michaels from Biggest Loser fame says if you drink 1 Stabucks a day for a year…….you’ll gain 45.

    It works!

    Love your post.

    I need a coffee….

    • wanderingmenace December 18, 2010 at 10:19 am #

      I fully believe that’s true, though with the eggnog included, I think I’d only need fifteen days! πŸ™‚

  6. Your Father December 17, 2010 at 1:38 am #

    Cute:). Loved the drawings, though I couldn’t help but notice that neither my nor your mother’s stockings were hung by the chimney with care…

    Does not bode well in the presents department for the mercenary offspring whose stockings WERE shamelessly displayed in the expectation of holiday gratuities; gratuities, I might add that are funded by means outside the realm of “quantitative easing”!

    And, just how in hell did the dog get primetime billing?

    • wanderingmenace December 18, 2010 at 10:22 am #


      Your threats are meaningless. We all know you only buy mom’s presents. AND since I’m helping her decorate the tree and apartment this year, I’m guessing I’m in her good graces. As of this morning, Christmas is scheduled as planned. She might cancel it by Sunday, but with any luck I’ll have things up and running again by the 24th.

      Indy’s stocking is important Dad. She needs presents too.
      Aside from that time she peed in your suitcase, she’s never done you any harm. Nothing but love for her grandfather. I’d say nothing but love and respect, but I think that’s debatable, so will stick to just love.

      It’s time for you to leave Asia now. Come home soon, safe, sound-and hey-if the mood strikes, hit up Duty Free will ya?

  7. Gnetch December 17, 2010 at 3:51 am #

    Haha!! I must admit, Star of the Bucks made me its bitch by just because of its aroma. *shame*

    I like the pink cheeks! πŸ˜€

    • wanderingmenace December 18, 2010 at 10:23 am #

      Thanks Gnetch!

      Yes, I too am a Star of the Bucks bitch.
      Oh well. At least it’s cozy in there.

  8. sweetman December 17, 2010 at 2:58 pm #

    Wow! Great post! What talent, what humor…our mutual friend does find some amazing people, doesn’t he.
    Now to respond to your comment–Yes, get Daniel Craig, we NEED Daniel Craig!

    • wanderingmenace December 18, 2010 at 10:25 am #

      Daniel Craig is all I need for Christmas.
      Or New Years.
      Or both.
      Thanks! Was just roaming your blog, got some great material there. Glad to see we in the Harem are birds of a hilarious feather!

  9. Sarah December 17, 2010 at 2:58 pm #


  10. Artswebshow December 19, 2010 at 1:40 am #

    Ha ha, flying flash.
    Well menace. i hope your ass is well recovered from that treadmill. personally i like to run outdoors.
    Yep, even in the winter.
    This was awesome

    • wanderingmenace December 19, 2010 at 1:49 am #

      Thanks! The flying flash was my favorite one, so glad you pointed it out!
      Not so into the outdoor running, mostly because I like going to the gym so I can sit in the steam room after.
      It’s like a little reward. πŸ™‚

  11. Georgina Dollface December 20, 2010 at 3:23 pm #

    Loved this retelling! The eight sugar cookies need to be immortalized on a Hallmark Card. Forever and ever. – G

    • wanderingmenace December 26, 2010 at 11:25 am #

      Yes, I should contact Hallmark and let them know I’m coming in and I mean business!!
      Sugar cookies are Satan’s friends.

  12. apieceofthepiehole December 21, 2010 at 9:41 pm #

    I am so with the Idiot’s comment! Even the Tommy Boy part! I am impressed and honored and amused…. that is a tought thing to do all at once too! LOVED THIS POST! I loved the reindeer one, but this one may of beat it out!

    • wanderingmenace December 26, 2010 at 11:25 am #

      Always glad to have you come by Piehole!!!

  13. geekhiker December 24, 2010 at 10:23 pm #

    This, bar none, is the funniest thing I’ve read all day.

    And I thank you for that. πŸ™‚

    • wanderingmenace December 26, 2010 at 11:26 am #

      Well always glad to induce a chuckle. It’s how I roll, hiker, how I roll. Thanks for reading!

  14. JoyMeii December 28, 2010 at 9:27 am #

    Wow did you draw this whole thing yourself? Awesome!! πŸ˜€

  15. Chickens Consigliere January 13, 2011 at 1:45 am #

    I’m a little late checking in, Menace, but so glad I did. Hope it was merry (sounds like it was) and happy new year.

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