Sweat, testicles, and my inability to move gracefully

21 Feb

Last week a stranger’s naked testicle came alarming close to my face and I found myself thinking:

‘Is this really worth it Menace?’

But then I reminded myself of Jennifer Aniston, and why I started this in the first place.

Allow me to elaborate.

I think we can all agree-that body is incredible

A normal person may stumble across this advertisement and think to themselves:

1. She’s hot

2. I’m thirsty

3. She’s hot

But what do I think when I stumble across this?

1. She’s hot

2. I could look like that (seriously?!)

3. Yoga.  Yes, I should take a yoga course.  No wait, I should TEACH yoga.  But first I should take a course.  Or maybe a few.  Or maybe try out the various different kinds of yoga and then I will look like that and people will pay me to stretch about and teach my moves so they too can look like this.

4. I need to buy a book on yoga.

So it was in late January that I set out to the bookstore.  Fifteen minutes later I was reading a novel written by a woman from Seattle who fell in love with yoga.  Approximately two hours after that, I had located a hot yoga studio down the block from the apartment.

I’m fairly certain that a normal person who stumbles into a hot yoga studio would not agree to sign up for something called the 30 day challenge in which one agrees to complete 30 courses within 30 days.

But by now I’m sure you know how normal I am when it comes to grand ideas.

So without hesitation, I agreed to complete the challenge.

In order to really understand my genius in this decision, let me explain hot (bikram) yoga to you.

90 minutes of Hatha yoga stretches conducted with strangers in a room that is heated to 104 degrees F.

They really aren’t kidding about the heat.

Also, there are a lot of rules.  These include sobriety, coming in hydrated, and staying inside the room for the full 90 minutes.

To recap, I pledged my allegiance in the basement of a Soho studio to maintain the willpower to remain sober, H2O soaked, and dedicated.

For 30 days.

Twenty minutes later I found myself lying half-naked on a mat in an ungodly hot room awaiting my first session.

Two minutes into it I looked like this:

Yes, sweat actually drips of one in this fashion during a session

I’m blue here to emphasize how incredibly soaked I was during the first breathing exercise.

Basically I’ve been blue for the past 30 days.

Against all odds, I completed the challenge.

I got used to the heat.  I did not get used to some of the outfits chosen by my peers.

Hence, the naked testicle.  Uncomfortably close to my mat.  Granted, it being in the room at all is uncomfortable.

But come on man, no one needs to see that.

Rogue genetalia aside, I’m hooked.

Though I now want to study other forms.

Preferably one in which I appear graceful, stoic, and stealth.  While practicing bikram yoga this red-tomato wet girl with horrendous hair kept reflecting back to me in the front mirror.

I assume it was faulty.

The mirror, not the girl.

Regardless readers, this is the latest in my serious of ‘Greatest Ideas Ever’.

Stay Tuned, only a matter of time before the next one strikes.

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17 Responses to “Sweat, testicles, and my inability to move gracefully”

  1. TheIdiotSpeaketh February 21, 2011 at 2:17 pm #

    First of all…..THANK YOU SO MUCH!…..a pic of Jennifer Aniston!….best way to start the week EVER!!!….. Second….. You have the best post titles and illustrations on the planet! When I write a book….I want YOU to name the chapters and do all the drawings! PLEASE!!!! Have a great week Sweaty BlondeZilla…. Next time, tell the dude to keep his sweaty ball away from your mat!

    • wanderingmenace February 21, 2011 at 2:21 pm #

      hahahaha
      Absolutely Idiot. I would be honored.
      Will pass that message on to the guy if I have the unfortunate experience of seeing that again.

  2. Bob February 21, 2011 at 2:26 pm #

    Ewwww. May I repeat that? Ewwwww! Dude seriously get some appropriate wear when practising hot yoga! No one needs to see your sweaty meat coconut, let alone in close proximity to one trying to emulate Jennifer Aniston.

    Courage, Menace, courage.

    I find myself now with the overwhelming desire to sanitize my keyboard and shower for a couple of hours to get that rank image out of my noggin. Ewwwww.

  3. Gnetch February 21, 2011 at 2:39 pm #

    As I said, your title is catchy. I love it!!!

    As for the sweaty testicle close to your face, you should learn the arts of grab, twist, pull, let go, and look innocent. :p

    I used to do yoga and I only lasted 2 sessions. Or was it 4? I don’t remember. I just thought I’d quit because I was too embarrassed about my inability to reach my toes. Whaaattt??

    • wanderingmenace February 21, 2011 at 2:43 pm #

      I am happy to report that after 30 days I was able to pull my toes (most of the time).

      But yes, it is more than a little embarassing to be the swaying blob of a girl in the room. 🙂

  4. Georgina Dollface February 21, 2011 at 2:41 pm #

    Wow, you are one tough cookie for sticking it out. It’s hard enough for me to do those yoga breathing exercises without making my head spin, the thought of doing them in 104degree heat is nauseating. Throw in a rogue testicle and they’d better be handing out barf bags and wet-wipes before each session.
    Must go back and read more of your “greatest ideas ever” posts. – G

    • wanderingmenace February 21, 2011 at 2:46 pm #

      haha, maybe I should add a new page dedicated to these ideas.

      Barf bags and wet-wipes, that is not bad planning Dollface, not bad planning at all…

  5. Courtney February 21, 2011 at 10:10 pm #

    You know, as a connoiseur of friends, that there was an episode regarding a gentleman’s “loose cannons”. So this post works in so many ways. Glad that your back!

    • Courtney February 21, 2011 at 10:12 pm #

      OMG, “you’re” not “your”! Lack of teaching is messing with my grammar. Oh, and I just realized I’m logged in from my other blog… so if you want to check out cute kids pics rather than listen to me blather: thefamilyq.blogspot.com

    • wanderingmenace February 21, 2011 at 10:29 pm #

      Court,

      Was just checking out your new blog, love it. I didn’t realize you had taken up cooking! Your mother must be so proud. I can hear it now. 🙂

      Thanks for the comments, as always, I look forward to reading more chocolate adventures!

      • Courtney February 22, 2011 at 12:57 am #

        You know, I don’t know if she knows that I’m doing it… Doesn’t seem to come up as we wrangle boys together. 😉

  6. wolfshades February 23, 2011 at 12:51 am #

    Wait. You were the only girl in the room? That’s weird, isn’t it? I though yoga was dominated by the much sweeter side of our species. Not the sweaty testicle set.

    At any rate – you made it! Congratulations! So let me ask: did you notice anything about yourself after the 30 days? Increased stamina? More tolerance for sweaty balls? Anything?

  7. geekhiker February 23, 2011 at 8:16 pm #

    I’ve always been kinda curious about yoga, yet completely intimidated to go. Somehow the idea of walking in a room not knowing a damn thing makes me feel like everyone will be pointing and laughing (in their heads at least) while I try downward dog and fall flat on my face.

    On the other hand, people do keep telling me that all the cute girls at the gym take yoga…

  8. whatsnormality February 26, 2011 at 12:19 am #

    This was actually hilarious, as in “I laughed for an unnecessary amount of time after reading the first paragraph and nearly spit water on my laptop.”
    Turned on? I thought so.
    I am so glad I now know of this blog’s existence.

  9. subWOW March 3, 2011 at 7:05 am #

    Sweating helps you lose weight right? So you are bi-WInning!

    I sweat so easily that’s why I knew from the get go that I should not try for being graceful unless I moved to the North Pole.

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. Tweets that mention Sweat, testicles, and my inability to move gracefully « Wandering Menace -- Topsy.com - February 21, 2011

    […] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Bob Ogden, Ryan . Ryan said: Sweat, testicles, and my inability to move gracefully. Latest post out. http://tinyurl.com/6d3ssnv […]

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