Twas two weeks before Christmas, and all through the house
Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse.
The stockings were hung, by the chimney with care
In hope that St. Nicholas soon would be there
Lil Zilla was nestled, all snug in her bed
While visions of sandwiches danced in her head
Hot water bottle heated, onto my lap
I’d just settled my brain for a long midnight nap
When out in the night there arose such a clatter
I sprang to my window to see what was the matter
Away to the window I flew like a flash
Tore open the shutters, and threw up the sash
The moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow
Gave the luster of mid-day to the objects below
When, what to my wondering eyes did form
But a tiny sleigh, and eight cookies-still warm
When a cranky old driver, yelled out several ‘Fucks’
I recognized instantly, that Star of the Bucks
More rapid than eagles, his coursers they came,
And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name
“Now Evil, Now Delicious, Now Fatty, Now Vixen!
Now Obese, Now Muffin-Top, Now Blubber, Now Blitzen!”
‘To her mouth! To her butt, and don’t you dare fall!
Fatten up, fatten up, fatten up all!!’
As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly
When they meet with an obtsacle, mount to the sky
Up to my mouth, my ass, and my hips they flew
With bags full of lard, Star tagged along too
And then, in a twinkling, I caught a scent
Of nutmeg and spices-I knew what that meant
As I drew in my head, and was turning around
Down the chimney Mr. Bucks came with a bound
The cookies they followed, onto the log
Each bearing in fist, a cup of egg nog
The drinks were pushed higher into the air
Cookies and eggnog-this was so not fair!
Their eyes how they twinkled! Their dimples so merry!
Their cheeks were like roses. Noses like a cherry!
Their droll little mouths drawn up like a bow
The sprinkle on their chins as white as the snow
I picked up a cookie with all of my might
Downed the egg nog, bit his face, and laughed in delight!
I had a mean look, and a round little belly
That shook when I laughed, like a bowl full of jelly
I drank all the egg nog and ate all the cookie men
Finished, I turned and saw Bucks holding a pen
A wink of his eye and a twist of his head
Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread
He spoke not a word but went straight to his work
Filling out spreadsheets, that crazed little jerk
And laying his finger aside of his nose
And giving a nod, up the chimney he rose
He left me there alone in the dark
My round belly the last mark
And I heard him say as he hopped up and away
“Get your ass to the gym, you really need it today”
And so dear bloggers if you’re worried about me
Blame Starbucks for their eggnog and coffee
I’ll be back tomorrow, to sit at this sill
As my ass recovers, from that fucking treadmill.
Farewell, there is only one thing left to write: