Please be seated.
I’m sorry to call you all in so early, but there are several issues which have been brought to my attention. They need addressing and I’ve been informed that without this meeting, stable mutiny is inevitable.
Normally I like to keep out of reindeer affairs, but when Vixen went rogue a few weeks ago his departure sparked this downward spiral into anarchy.
Enough is enough.
Vixen is gone.
No matter how long you run around in those sweatbands and cut off t-shirts with the ripped V, he is not coming back. Comet, I am told you’ve been spreading secret hoofshakes in the fields.
This will not bring him back.
I know you think he went out in a blaze of freedom, but I have it on good authority he’s lounging on a beach in the tropics, sipping pina coladas, happy to be out of the snow. I suggest you rid yourselves of all Vixen related paraphernalia.
Dasher and Donner there will be no more initiation into Fight Club after dark. Don’t shake your heads at me, I know very well what the rules are and I wish to God I’d never bought you that damn DVD in the first place. Last week Cupid broke an antler, and I don’t need to remind you what THAT will do to our marketing team.
We’re still trying to recover from the great sled crash of ’06 when one of you thought it would be hilarious to spike Rudolf’s egg nog. As you will recall, Santa’s knee never did recover and the insurance policy had to be modified just to detangle most of you from those plastic snowmen. Blitzen smelled like electrified fur for months after that little adventure of yours.
That’s right Dancer, look away. I know I could never prove it, but when you claimed ‘medical reasons’ for needing that hip flask, I pieced it together.
Finally, Prancer I’ve reviewed your request. You cannot possibly convince me that bedazzling everyone’s antlers will bring a sense of unity to this crowd. If Dasher and Donner got their hoofs on you after that, I’d need to hire a whole new staff.
I’d like you all to wear the standard red vests this season.
Nothing fancy. Nothing flashy.
We start the interview process for the newest member tomorrow, and I’d like you all to be on your best behavior.
-Head Stable Elf