Flying cars, feline-revolutions, and reaching 101

8 Nov

In 2082, I will be 101 years old.

My flying car (if Hollywood has taught me anything, it’s that the future always contains flying cars) will be yellow and I’ll use it to pick up men.

Alternatively, I could use it to buzz around with my pack of wild, free-range french bulldogs (you know, in case by that point I have no interest in the opposite sex-having outlived all seven of my husbands-mwhahahaha).

Though I suppose it would have to be an SUV version to accomodate myself and the pack…..

Who doesn’t love the image of an old lady in a cape, her imaginary Zilla friend, and a pack of snorting hogdogs buzzing around Paris in 2082?

Oh yes, did I mention, I’ll be living in Paris at that time.

Not a huge stretch really, considering I live here now, but whatever, a lot could happen between then and now.

No wait, a lot will happen by then.  Such as:

-My sandwich-chain shop Zilla’s will start in Paris, but then spread rapidly like a global plague, enticing individuals regardless of race, religion, gender, or sexual preference….scents of the delicious snacks will permeate the atmosphere.  This will be the reason aliens come to earth, uttering “take me to your deli”, in a trance-like manner.

-Reruns from the nineties will still be playing endlessly on television to numb the brains of children, but they will refer to the shows as “AFTY” (archaic funny from times of yore).  They will only speak in abbreviations by this point, as there is simply not enough time to formulate comprehensive sentences.

-Pet goldfish will be a long-lost thing of the past as a result of the great cat-cultural-revolution lasting between 2056-2065.  Also, cats will be severely monitored for suspicious behavior and it will take until 2089 for people to discover the UFA (underground feline association) – a terrorist operation spreading miles deep within the belly of the Earth.  Fortunately, I will be dead by then, so this doesn’t particularly matter for me, but figured I’d give a heads up.

-Plastic surgery will become known as TYWWLLR (those years when women willingly looked like robots), and anyone carving into their own face to change it completely will be considered an outcast.  The switch doesn’t happen until 2038 and is a result of a gas leak, silicon, and something called GYNRYM “grow your own nose, remove your own in minutes-as seen on tv!!”

-Also, I will have my own version of monopoly.  As should we all, dear readers, as should we all.

There’s more, but I don’t want to spoil it all for you.  Just figured I’d give you a little peak at some of the great things to occur in my 101 years.  Something tells me you all have plans of your own…..

Happy Birthday Great Grandma, I’m not sure how you’ve managed to deal with us all for this long, but here you are, 101 years later….

Gotta run, Zilla’s burning breakfast.








6 Responses to “Flying cars, feline-revolutions, and reaching 101”

  1. Bob November 8, 2011 at 4:41 pm #

    Welcome back Ryan, it’s great to see the you’re still writing in fine form.

    detroit has been promising us flying cars for about 100 years now, and I want mine damnit!
    I just hope they have attachment to keep flying monkeys of my windscreen.

    • wanderingmenace November 8, 2011 at 10:58 pm #

      Thanks Bob!!!

      I’m pretty sure you will be able to harness those flying monkeys and use them at your leisure.

      Imagine if the Oscar Meyer Weiner Mobile could fly…..

  2. M.S. (@Matty_the_Smith) November 9, 2011 at 2:55 am #

    Well, HOW will I win your version of Monopoly. UNFAIR!

    • wanderingmenace November 9, 2011 at 5:43 am #

      Well for starters, you’re going to want to avoid the ‘Go to the Hague, Go directly to the Hague, do not pass Go, do not collect ten thousand dollars (inflation)’ card.
      Should you get the chance, try and grab up all four space-hubs (solid long-term investment), and avoid playing with my father (or any other lawyer for that matter), as they are known to cheat and make side-deals out of turn.

  3. John November 12, 2011 at 1:56 pm #

    I love cats, but you can’t trust the little buggers.

  4. Miss Demure Restraint December 8, 2011 at 6:30 am #

    Came over from Trask Avenue and got a real kick out of your post. I’m definitely in for the flying car (I was thinking about flying cars just last week) and my own version of Monopoly assuming, of course, I will beat the pants off everyone else playing against me and I always get to be the shoe.

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