Flashers, ovaries, and my elbow

10 Nov

I saw another penis on the metro last night.

Paris has more rogue wieners than tourists this time of year.

The owner of this particular specimen was wagging it around like a helicopter blade whilst screaming profanity.  There was an empty bottle of something at his feet, and by the looks of things, he was not leaving the station anytime soon.

I’m a little curious as to why he was so fascinated by his own member, as one would imagine he’s been attached to it since birth.  I suppose their connection is his greatest life accomplishment to date, and this is why he felt the need to share it with the world.

Regardless, there it was, wagging around like a sad limp sock attached to a sad limp guy.

As I walked by, it dawned on me that I rarely see the naked bits of ladies down in the underbelly of the city.  Once I saw a large woman’s breast when she heaved it out to show me (an action I still cannot explain though this too was related to alcohol), but that’s the only time I’ve ever been flashed by a lady.

Comparatively, quite a few male flashers have crossed my path in various locations around the globe.  I’ve seen seen male flashers in the US, the UK, Grenada, Tanzania, Switzerland, and of course-France.

There must be something exciting that flashers get from their dirty deeds.  I wonder what it is, and I wonder if it could be replicated by flashing random bits of body normally not associated with sex?

An elbow, for example.  If I just started intently staring at people on the metro, holding eye contact whilst my arm slowly curled up to reveal a little piece of bow-candy?  I wonder if I’d get a thrill out of it.  Maybe a knee pit now and then?

Though I guess people wouldn’t realize it was something they weren’t supposed to see, so I’d probably have to tattoo the words “Do Not Look At Me, I Am An Erotic Elbow” onto it.

Yea, that might work.  Or I guess I could tattoo some naughty bits onto my elbow and flash them.

Penises are too mainstream though.

I’m thinking ovaries.  Yes, I think if I tattooed ovaries onto my elbow, stared people down on the metro, and flashed them a little ovarian bow, I could probably replicate the feeling accomplished by your run-of-the-mill flasher.

You know, really bring it more into the contemporary art scene.

The tattoo would probably hurt a bit though.  Plus there’s the cost.  And for what?  At the end of the day, I’d just be that girl on line 4, flashing tattooed elbow ovaries at people.

Maybe they’d sell little statues of my elbow in the tourists shops next to the Eiffel Tower pencil sharpeners and baguette pens.  Maybe I’d get silkscreened on a few tshirts before Urban Outfitters caught wind, mass-marketed the shirts and sold them to hipsters for 30 seconds until the fad ended-thus erasing my mystic underground image.

Still, there’s always henna…..

A splash of ethnic flare, a hint of cross cultural flashing relations.  Western white American meets Indian art in unconventional location, in one of the most artistic cities in the world-and it’s temporary.  Flashing continues only as long as the henna-ed ovaries remain on my dedicated-to-the-cause bow.

Yes.  Yes, that’s the key.

Limited. Edition.

With any luck, I’ll make it into the Centre de Pompidou.

Fame will be mine.  Mwhahahahahaha.

If you need me, I’ll be on line 4, mingling with the locals.

I’m dying to find out what all the fuss is about.

Besides, someone’s gotta give these sausages a run for their money.

This Menace is that someone.

5 Responses to “Flashers, ovaries, and my elbow”

  1. Bob November 10, 2011 at 12:31 pm #

    Wow you are on a roll Ryan! Sadly though I think I can hear the siren call of that little white unmarked van coming to take you away someplace padded and safe.

    Hmmm hope they make a decent sandwich.

    • wanderingmenace November 10, 2011 at 6:34 pm #

      No Bob no,

      I will not get in that van.
      Never. Again.

      The last time they promised chips and salsa, and it took me a long time to plan the escape.

      Thank God Wentworth Miller was there, that’s all I’m legally allowed to say about that.

  2. Courtney November 10, 2011 at 3:26 pm #

    I think temporary is definitely the key, here. 🙂

    Also, as I was pondering your last post, I had a flash of memory of you telling me about your piercing and a hilarious misunderstanding on my part that I never told you. So when you post the story of your piercing, I’ll have to share my complete jump-to-conclusions Three’s Company style mistake. I think you’ll love it.

    Plus I want to hear the story again, where I actually am understanding it correctly.

    • wanderingmenace November 10, 2011 at 6:36 pm #

      Noted Court, I will refrain from turning this into a career.

      I’m curious as to what you thought I was telling you about when I announced I’d pierced my own bellybutton….

      Did you ever hear the story about when kid-Ginger got his tongue pierced?

      That’s a good one. 🙂

  3. John November 12, 2011 at 1:52 pm #

    Okay, you made me laugh!

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