Trouble always finds me when I’m trying to drink tequila in peace.
I was 22, I decided I hated men, and I went out with my roommate to celebrate the recent discovery.
Sitting at the Irish pub down the street from our apartment, I ordered a round of shots for her and I, and the two of us began discussing why boys were stupid. I can’t remember the details, but I’m sure it was an inspiring conversation.
Nibbling on a lime slice, I happened to look down the bar.
That’s where I spotted him.
Notebook, guitar case at feet, scotch on the rocks, dark hair, blue eyes, and tattoos.
Normally this would have done me in instantly. But considering the festivities, I instead ordered another round of tequila and my roommate and I watched him from afar (ten feet down the bar).
Five minutes later my blood was happily flowing to the tune of a mariachi band.
So when Sexy McNogood beckoned me with his finger, I strolled down the bar to say hi. At least that’s what I meant to say. But what came out was:
“Hey, I’m out celebrating my hatred of all men.”
To which he responded:
“Interesting, I’m just out looking for a one night stand.”
Tilting my head at him curiously, I muttered: “ok then, I think we’re done here” before returning to the roommate.
Twenty minutes later, he asked for my phone number.
Two days later, he called.
We went on three dates. On the eve of the third we were doing some hard-core smooching and yea ok-a little over-the clothing heavy petting was beginning.
I still had my jacket on though, to give you an indication of how far things had NOT progressed.
But for reasons still unclear to me now, he took this as an opportunity to utter the phrase:
“I’ve got something I want to show you.”
Standing up, he walked to his closet, opened the door, and asked me to come inside.
Peering into the former master bedroom closet, I saw various toys, whips, leather attire, masks, and some sort of swinging contraption in the corner.
For the record men, this is not the appropriate way to introduce this particular form of extracurricular activites to a potential mate.
As my Romeo soon discovered.
Speechless, I stared at him for some seconds before casually attempting to exit his house. Muttering something about leaving the iron on in my apartment, I hopped down the stairs, yelled out something about not bothering to call me again, and left the house o’leather.
A month later I was back in the same bar with my roommate. This time we were celebrating her hatred of men.
It was open mic night.
Out of nowhere tattooed leather man slimed onstage.
Staring directly at me, he began strumming his guitar while singing:
“You were out to hate all men, and I was just looking for a one night stand”
The song lasted about three minutes.
Thankfully it ended in time for my roommate and I to have one last round of tequila.