sugar cookies, damn holiday poems, and my bowl full of jelly

Twas two weeks before Christmas, and all through the house

Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse.

good mouse, good mouse...

The stockings were hung, by the chimney with care

In hope that St. Nicholas soon would be there

subtlety is not my strong suit

Lil Zilla was nestled, all snug in her bed

While visions of sandwiches danced in her head

tuna melts, clubs, BLT's.....

Hot water bottle heated, onto my lap

I’d just settled my brain for a long midnight nap

cozy = best time ever

When out in the night there arose such a clatter

I sprang to my window to see what was the matter

obvious cause for alarm

Away to the window I flew like a flash

Tore open the shutters, and threw up the sash

lesser-known mythical creature

The moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow

Gave the luster of mid-day to the objects below

wayfarers required

When, what to my wondering eyes did form

But a tiny sleigh, and eight cookies-still warm

jovial, heated, caring little buddies

When a cranky old driver, yelled out several ‘Fucks’

I recognized instantly, that Star of the Bucks

cranky, bitter little creature

More rapid than eagles, his coursers they came,

And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name

cookies are hard of hearing

“Now Evil, Now Delicious, Now Fatty, Now Vixen!

Now Obese, Now Muffin-Top, Now Blubber, Now Blitzen!”

clearly, these cookies were well-fed

‘To her mouth! To her butt, and don’t you dare fall!

Fatten up, fatten up, fatten up all!!’

confused by Star's commands I froze

As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly

When they meet with an obtsacle, mount to the sky

leaves + hurricane = skymount

Up to my mouth, my ass, and my hips they flew

With bags full of lard, Star tagged along too

mwhahahahahahaha

And then, in a twinkling, I caught a scent

Of nutmeg and spices-I knew what that meant

detecting deliciousness.....

As I drew in my head, and was turning around

Down the chimney Mr. Bucks came with a bound

insert Jaws soundtrack...

The cookies they followed, onto the log

Each bearing in fist, a cup of egg nog

the lard had turned into eggnog!!! My kryptonite!!!

The drinks were pushed higher into the air

Cookies and eggnog-this was so not fair!

sooo tempting......

Their eyes how they twinkled!  Their dimples so merry!

Their cheeks were like roses.  Noses like a cherry!

second only to button in cute-nose description

Their droll little mouths drawn up like a bow

The sprinkle on their chins as white as the snow

often both are found in epic movies (battle scenes and sex scenes)

I picked up a cookie with all of my might

Downed the egg nog, bit his face, and laughed in delight!

beginning stages of cookie slaughter '10

I had a mean look, and a round little belly

That shook when I laughed, like a bowl full of jelly

complete with unidentifiable squares you don't wanna eat

I drank all the egg nog and ate all the cookie men

Finished, I turned and saw Bucks holding a pen

writing utensil of preference for many

A wink of his eye and a twist of his head

Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread

twinkle in eye visible here

He spoke not a word but went straight to his work

Filling out spreadsheets, that crazed little jerk

my strengths, lets be honest

And laying his finger aside of his nose

And giving a nod, up the chimney he rose

peace out Star of the Bucks. Peace.Out.

He left me there alone in the dark

My round belly the last mark

ssslllllluuuuuuuuggggggggggiiiiirrrrrrlllllll

And I heard him say as he hopped up and away

“Get your ass to the gym, you really need it today”

important gym attire

And so dear bloggers if you’re worried about me

Blame Starbucks for their eggnog and coffee

satan's friend. bringer of fat, deliciousness, and gore.

I’ll be back tomorrow, to sit at this sill

As my ass recovers, from that fucking treadmill.

Farewell, there is only one thing left to write:

happy presents friends